What Pein Thinks
by SheWolfByakugan
Summary: Pein is tired of all work and no play. He decided to have some fun by going around giving everyone his opinion in the form of insulting them completely at random and then spouting crazy questions. How will they react to his odd behavior? He's having fun so he honestly doesn't care. YAOI Pairings! Main: KisaIta, SasoDei, KakuHida, and possibly more.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: What's up everyone? I was very bored and decided to whip up a little something. I always wondered if Pein ever just wanted to go around insulting his followers and asking them all these random questions and things like that. This is how I think that would go. Look forward to a lot of cussing and in this particular chapter the word 'shit' is used repeatedly. So just look out for that. There is also yaoi pairings, hinted yaoi and there will be actual displays of yaoi in later chapters so if you don't like it then go away. Hope you guys get at least one laugh out of this. Here's what Pein thinks. _

One particularly dark and rainy day at the Akatsuki hideout, Pein was sitting behind his desk doing some paperwork as usual. He stopped writing for a moment and flexed his sore hand. He listened to the distant sound of rain hitting the roof of the cave. It was quite a soothing sound and it relaxed him. He really liked it when it rained because he would stop his work and just sit and listen to the soft 'pitter patter' of the rain drops hitting the rocks above. He would allow his mind to wander to the few happy memories he had. His rare moment of relaxation was interrupted. "Leader, where would you like these financial records? Kakuzu just finished them and asked me to turn them in to you," Konan said as she burst in the office suddenly. Pein sighed and motioned for her to sit them on the edge of his desk that was already loaded with other papers. Konan sat the stack down and then left out as quickly as she and come in. Pein sighed as he looked over all of the unfinished documents. He leaned back in his chair and closed his purple-ringed eyes.

That's when it came to him.

He dropped his pen onto his desk and even threw a few papers on the floor for the hell of it. He was fed up with doing all this goddamned paper work and not doing anything fun. Yes, he was the leader of an S-ranked criminal organization of missing-nin but he needed to have fun too. He rose up from his chair and winced as he rubbed his numb behind. "I really should get up more," he murmured as he headed for the door on stiff legs. He felt a bit anxious as he turned the knob and walked out of his office. He was about to have the most fun he has had in years. He was going to let everyone know what Pein thinks! He didn't care if they wanted to know his opinion or not. They were going to get it and there wasn't a damn thing any of them could do about it.

Now was the perfect opportunity to do it because every member of Akatsuki excluding himself had just gotten back three days ago from a high-profile mission that almost killed Zetsu and Kisame so they would all still be resting and getting back to full strength. Some assassins from a small village in the Land of Lightning had been hired by the hidden villages collectively to take out the Akatsuki. The assassins were no joke and had nearly completed their task but the Akatsuki wasn't full of S-ranked nin for nothing so they had a few tricks up their sleeves. They had been pushed to the point where they had to use their ultimate trump card but in the end they eliminated the assassins and had returned all bruised and cut up but alive nonetheless. Zetsu had gotten one side of his Venus flytrap ripped completely off along with one of his legs. Kisame had taken a massive sword through his torso and it had punctured one of his lungs. Thanks to Kakuzu's stitching ability and Zetsu's plant abilities, Zetsu had been stitched up and had already healed completely but he was still weak due to his regenerative properties working overtime and completely draining his chakra. Kisame had received a lung transplant courtesy of Kakuzu and Sasori. Sasori had used his medical skills to successfully remove a healthy lung from one of the dead assassins and had handed it over to Kakuzu who performed emergency surgery on the shark and had taken out the damaged lung which couldn't be repaired and had replaced it with the new, fully functioning lung and stitched Kisame back up. He too had almost completely healed but was still recovering. It had been hard to see two of his followers so badly injured for the sake of keeping the organization itself safe but Pein, being the strong man he was, had stood strong and congratulated all of the members for another completed mission. He didn't show any visible expressions or emotions but he went to visit the two injured men everyday which showed that he was concerned, though he would deny anything of the sort if asked about it. He pushed those thoughts from his head and allowed a smirk to grace his lips. He walked slowly as he thought about who he should go visit first. Oh, there were so many choices. He stopped at the doorway that led to the hall with all the bedrooms.

There were seven bedrooms in all. On the left there were three. The first belonged to Itachi and Kisame who shared it since they were partners in more ways than one. The second belonged to goofy ass Tobi and the third belonged to Kakuzu and Hidan who also shared a room for the same reasons as Itachi and Kisame. On the right side were another three bedrooms. The first one was Zetsu's. He sometimes liked to sneak across to Tobi's room at midnight and the two would sneak out giggling like little girls and run off to do who knows what. The second room was Deidara and Sasori's. 'Noises' have been heard coming from their room so everyone likes to think that the two are having some sort of uh….relations though they haven't acknowledged any accusations. The third room belonged to the lone female of the Akatsuki, Konan. She was the one who first mentioned the noises from Deidara and Sasori's room. She blushed a lot and fiddled with her robe so it was obvious that she liked it. At the end of the hall was Pein's bedroom. It was the largest one yet he had the smallest amount of stuff in there.

The orange haired man looked at all of the closed doors and decided he would start with Tobi just because he was an annoying twerp although he did secretly amuse Pein very much. He walked towards the door and could've sworn he heard a moan come from Kisame and Itachi's room. Kisame was recovering in a special room with medical equipment in it so it couldn't have been him. Itachi was usually in there by his side keeping him entertained and making sure he was comfortable. Pein simply ignored it and went up to Tobi's door. There was a little black sign hanging on the door and in very nice calligraphy, Tobi's name was written in a very bright orange on it. He admired the sign a bit then busted the door open to find Tobi laying on his bed coloring in a coloring book. The masked man looked up suddenly and then relaxed when he saw that it was just Pein. "Hello, Leader! You've never come in my room before! Is Tobi in trouble?" he asked, his tone going from cheerful to sad. Pein simply shook his head negatively and then took in a deep breath and shut Tobi's door. "No you're not in trouble Tobi. I just wanted to say that I AM SO SICK OF GOING INTO THE BATHROOM AND SEEING YOUR SHITTY UNDERWEAR LAYING ON THE FUCKING FLOOR! WHAT THE FUCK!? DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO WIPE YOUR ASS!? YOU ARE 31 GODDAMNED YEARS OLD! THERE IS NO REASON WHY YOU SHOULD STILL HAVE SHIT IN YOUR TIGHTY WHITIES! AND IT'S NOT EVEN JUST A LITTLE SMUDGE, ITS HUGE SKID MARKS AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I DIDN'T SEE A WHOLE TURD IN ONE PAIR! YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON WHO USES THAT BATHROOM SO YOU CAN EITHER LEARN TO CLEAN YOUR SHITTY ASS OR PICK THOSE FUCKERS UP OFF THE FLOOR AND GO WASH THEM BECAUSE THAT IS JUST HORRIBLE! WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO GO USE THE BATHROOM AT NIGHT AND BE GREETED BY THE SMELL OF YOUR SHITTY DRAWERS! NOBODY, THAT'S WHO! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY COMPLAINTS I'VE GOTTEN ABOUT YOU AND THOSE SHIT-FILLED UNDIES OF YOURS? WAY TOO FUCKING MANY! I WENT IN THE BATHROOM ONE TIME AND STEPPED ON ONE OF THEM! IT WAS THE ONE WITH THE TURD IN IT! I was half asleep and it all happened so suddenly. I ended up with YOUR SHIT between MY TOES! That was not a pleasant experience I can tell you that much. The smell didn't go away for weeks! I had to throw out four pairs of good sandals just because they smelled like your waste! What the hell is wrong with you? We could use your shit as an atomic bomb and win every battle we fight because the smell would knock out all of our enemies unless their noses don't work or something! That stuff is fucking terrible! I know poop is supposed to stink but your stuff isn't even poop. Yes, there's a difference. Poop stinks but it's not unbearable. You don't have poop. You have SHIT! The absolute worst kind! I don't know what the fuck you've been eating but you NEVER need to eat it again because the way you smell is just unnatural. Your asshole must be burned up if it emits something with a smell like THAT! " Once he had finished he took another deep breath and simply stared at the masked man who had gotten scared and had his back pressed against the wall and could be heard sniffling. "I'm so sorry, Leader. I didn't know you were supposed to wipe afterwards," was all that Tobi whimpered. "HOW IN THE FUCK DID YOU NOT KNOW YOU WERE SUPPOSED T- *clears throat* Well, now you know. How you've gotten away with walking around smelling like an open sewer with shit plastered to your ass is beyond me but I've just about had it with all the crap I've seen. That brings me to my next point, where do you an- TOBI WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK? GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF! NOW YOUR ROOM IS GONNA SMELL EVEN WORSE! It already smells like a damn Port-A-Potty due to all of the SHIT you have stored in here from your fucking shitty ass underwear. You need to wash all of those fucking clothes as soon as possible. How has your robe survived through all of that?" Pein had gotten riled up again because Tobi stood right there and pissed on himself. Tobi began crying harder and just looked down at his feet that were now soaked with his smelly urine.

Pein shook his head and then went back to what he was going to say before Tobi's malfunctioning bladder had distracted him. "Now like I was saying, where do you and Zetsu sneak off to every night?" This made Tobi nervous and fidgety. He began messing with his mask and then started stuttering out a response. "U-um…M-mr. Zetsu and I, we uh….w-we uh go outside a-and …..p-play hide and s-seek?" he seemed to question his own answer which caused Pein to seriously doubt him. "Hide and seek, huh?" Pein asked him skeptically. "Yes! Hide and seek! We go outside every night and play hide and seek. The uh….darkness makes it better," Tobi said a bit more firmly. Pein kept his unwavering gaze on the other man and decided not to pursue the matter further since he would probably learn the truth eventually. "Mmm, I suppose it does. What about your mask though? Do you ever take it off? I bet you have horrible skin under there don't you? If you didn't before then you probably do now because you need to give your skin exposure to air and a good amount of sunlight or else it becomes dry and peely and dead. I bet your face stinks too. Even if you do wash it every day. You wear that mask all the time and someone said that they saw you sleeping in it which means that your face spends most of its time being covered up and I know you probably sweat under there so that can't be pleasant at all. How do you eat? You can't stuff food through your eye hole because then you'd get food in your eye and there's no guarantee the food will drop to your mouth through there anyway. You would have to lift your mask up or take it completely off and I haven't seen you do that before. What's the purpose of even coming to dinner if you're not going to eat anything? I just realized that, you come to dinner and sit there staring at everyone else while we eat or you run around doing random things or you sit there and talk the whole time. I just don't understand you. You must steal food and eat it in your room so we can't see that ugly face. Oh yeah, I bet you've got yourself one ugly mug under there. I bet it looks like a busted open elephant asshole for you to keep it covered ALL THE TIME. I remember that one time when you fell asleep on the couch and Hidan stuck his dick in the eye hole of your mask. HA! You didn't even wake up. How did you not feel a dick poking your eye? You just laid there snoring and drooling. I bet you liked it didn't you? Hidan is pretty large so it's really hard to believe you didn't feel all of that poking your eyelid. I won't tell you what he did afterwards but we all laughed our asses off and I believe you complained of having a sore asshole the next day? Yes, that was a good afternoon indeed. Oh yeah! You remember that weird, big, crunchy, white spot that was on your robe that one time? Well when Hidan was poking your mask, he got hard and ended up jacking off and then he came all over your chest. So basically Deidara lied to you when he told you it must've been some ice cream you spilled on yourself. Your lactose intolerant aren't you? You don't even eat ice cream. How the hell did you not figure out he was lying to you? You must really be a retarded motherfucker, Tobi. *inhale* Well, carry on then," he said casually before strolling back out and shutting the masked man's door. Once he had left, Tobi wilted down to the floor, in the piss of course, and began breathing hard since he realized that he and Zetsu had been partially discovered. So Leader knew they snuck out but he didn't know what they did. As long as he didn't find out anything else, everything would be fine. He sat there in for a moment and then sniffed the air. "Do I really smell that bad? I don't get it," he said before jumping back up and resuming his coloring as if nothing had happened.

In the hall, Pein had one of his rare smiles on. It had taken so much for him not to burst out laughing at Tobi's reaction to his sudden visit. It also felt very good to get those things off of his chest and it would only get better the more he did it. "Who should be next?" he wondered to himself as he contemplated which of his member's he'd talk to next.

_A/N: Hehe, I liked writing this. Like I said before, I hope you guys got a laugh out of this. If not then I apologize for my lack of funniness. I plan on doing a chapter for each member except for the couples. They will share their chapters just like they share their bedrooms. More of Pein's odd outbursts are coming soon. Thanks for reading! _


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Hello everyone, Zayla here! I am so happy right now! I got two reviews for this story within just a few hours of posting it! That makes me feel so good which is why I'm getting this chapter out so soon. It is 3:47 am. I got a few ideas and decided to crank out another chappie while they were still fresh on my mind._

_I want to say thanks to __**unkownlove **__for giving me my first review! Thank you very much. This chapter will be dedicated to you because you've made my day and you suggested the character I will be doing. I hope you enjoy this chapter!_

_I also wanna give a big whoop to the Anonymous reader that reviewed as well. Thanks a bunch!_

_Sorry for being so hyper-active. I'll calm down now. This is gonna be sort of like PeinKonan but not quite. They just have random flings and participate in the orgies that are so common in the Akatsuki. :D Let's get on to the story shall we?_

As Pein stood outside of Tobi's door contemplating his next person of interest. "Hmm…it's too early to go visit Kisame and Zetsu since they need to get all the rest they can and the last time I walked up in there at this time of the morning I got a full view of Itachi giving Kisame a hand job. I had to take a cold shower," he shuddered at the pleasant thought. As he stood leaned up against the wall, something caught his eye. It was Konan passing by the end of the hallway. "Oh, perfect," he chuckled slightly then headed towards the end of the hall. As he passed back by Itachi and Kisame's room, he heard yet another moan. He was tempted to look in and see what was going on but he decided against it and headed to the kitchen after Konan.

The blue haired woman stood in front of the open refrigerator looking over a few breakfast items. Pein cleared his throat to announce his presence. Konan flinched a little then closed the fridge and turned around. "Oh hello, Leader. Can I help you with anything?" she asked. There was a devious glint to the Rinnegan eyes that looked back at her and she took notice of it. "Yes I believe you can," he said in a low, seductive tone. "You can start by lifting your robe for me." At first Konan was emotionless, then she looked a bit stunned. "Right now? Um…are you sure? Someone may come in." she questioned embarrassedly. "They would see nothing they haven't seen before. Come on, just give me a little peek to get me going for the day," the orange haired man had a mischievous little grin on his lips that signified his mind being on 'other things'.

Konan gulped. She usually had no problem doing these random little things for her Leader but today was laundry day and well….. Konan bent over slowly and began easing her robe up to show pale, smooth legs. She inched it up further and further, once she got to her thighs, Pein's eyes were glued on her and weren't going anywhere. She looked up at him and then continued her show. She reached the area right below her snatch and stopped. "Um, I don't know if I can," she whispered. "Konan, stop being weird. Just pull up the robe and give me a little wiggle so I can go on about my business," Pein said impatiently.

Konan sighed and turned around so that her ass was facing Pein and then she lifted her robe up above her lower parts. Her face blushed cherry red as she suddenly became interested in the tiles on the floor. Behind her, a cough was heard. She turned around to face her Leader, still blushing intensely and when she saw his face her blush only grew more. He was staring at the floor with his hands gripped in fists. When he did look up, Konan could've sworn that those lovely purple eyes flashed crimson for a moment before he took in a deep breath then raised his head to look her in the eye. "*inhales deeply* Konan Konan Konan. It must be laundry day or else why in the FUCK would you be wearing GRANNY PANTIES! THOSE THINGS ARE FUCKING HUGE! I MEAN THEY COVER LIKE HALF OF YOUR UPPER BODY AND THEY SAG AT THE BACK LIKE A DIAPER FULL OF PISS AND SHIT! DO YOU THINK THAT SEEING YOUR ASS IN SOMETHING THAT SOMEONE'S OLD ASS GRANDMOTHER WOULD WEAR IS TURNING ME ON? NO IT MOST CERTAINLY DOES NOT, KONAAAAAAN! I came in here looking to get a quick peek at that ass and all I got was a face full of SAGGY OLD LADY ASS! That's exactly what you look like! What happened to those silky little bikinis you usually wear! How about a thong? Noooo you had to pull out those sons of bitches and make my cock get softer than marshmallows roasting over an open motherfucking fire! Do you know how much of a let down that was?! You went all slow, making me think that you had on a little something something to send me on my way but that had to the most anticlimactic fuck up I've ever seen!" Pein stood there glaring at the woman as she stood there still holding up her robe and shaking in fear. "I-I'm sorry. I tried to t-tell you that it was l-laundry day b-but you were so p-persistent. I'll put on that little purple thing you like when laundry is done," She chuckled nervously and gave a forced smile. "I like the sound of that. You know Konan, I just feel like I need to let you know a couple of things. First and foremost, I absolutely love your pubic hair. I mean it's just so amazing and blue! I love how you have just the cute little puff up top there and it's not too thick or anything. Blue pubes are just incredible for me and I just love burying my face into them. I believe Hidan said he does too. We shall have to arrange a 'meeting' soon. It's great knowing that it's naturally blue and not dyed like some of these other fake whores out here. Another thing, I like the way you keep your toes nicely painted and stuff. It makes them all the better when I give you foot rubs and then maybe go down to lick and suck on them a bit. Oh crap! I just thought about something. I will NEVER lick OR suck those toes again, buddy. They may be pretty but oh my God are they full of surprises. And not the good kind either! Konan, the space between your toes smells. IT FUCKING SMELLS! IT'S ALMOST AS BAD AS THOSE SHITTY ASS PAIRS OF UNDERWEAR THAT TOBI'S BITCH-ASS LEAVES IN THE BATHROOM! GIRL, THOSE TOES SMELL LIKE ROTTEN HAMBURGER MEAT THAT'S BEEN SITTING OUTSIDE IN THE SUN FOR THREE DAYS! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU BUT IT IS NOT FUCKING NORMAL TO WALK AROUND WITH APPENDAGES THAT SMELL LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING LANDFILL! HOW CAN LIVE WITH YOURSELF KNOWING THAT YOUR STINKY ASS TOES SMELL LIKE THAT DAMN DEAD BODY THAT ZETSU'S STUPID ASS HID BEHIND THE COUCH THEN FORGOT ABOUT IT FOR A WEEK! THIS FUCKING CAVE SMELLED LIKE SARDINES, ASS, AND DECAYING FLESH FOR FOUR MONTHS! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE SARDINES AND ASS CAME FROM! ONE OF YOU FUCKERS MUST'VE FORGOTTEN TO SHOWER OR SOMETHING! So basically you need to wash between those things because the last time we fooled around I thought I had accidently stepped in another pair of those shit-filled panties of Tobi's and scrubbed my feet extra hard for the next week," while Pein was musing on things past, Konan let her robe back down and then nervously held her hands together in front of her chest. When Pein looked at her again, he seemed calmer but then his eyes went down to her hands…..or what was behind them. "Your hands. Put them down," said calmly as he stared openly at her robe covered breasts. Usually Konan didn't give a fuck if they guys gaped at her tits but right now, she was a tad bit uncomfortable. "Those boobs….even though they're covered by that thick robe you can still see them. They poke out just enough to make a man smile. They're not too perky but they don't really sag either. They're just wonderful. I like poking them and flicking your nipples at random so that they get hard and then you have to walk around with your headlights on. The only problem is when you take the robe _off. _I don't know if it's some type of jutsu to fuck with my mind or what but those things look perfect under the robe but fucking weird when you take it off. KONAAAAAN! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR BOOBS! ONE OF THOSE FUCKERS IS WAY BIGGER THAN THE OTHER AND THEN THE SMALLER ONE IS ALL FUCKING LUMPY AND JUST WEIRD. YOUR LEFT NIPPLE IS BIGGER THAN TOBI'S EYE HOLE! THAT IS NOT FUCKING NORMAL, KONAAAAAN! DO YOU CONTINUOUSLY PINCH THAT ONE FUCKING NIPPLE AND JUST LEAVE THE OTHER TO SIT AND WITHER AWAY! I GUESS YOU DO HUH! AN OLD WRINKLED NIPPLE WOULD MATCH THOSE FUCKING GRANNY BLOOMERS YOU'RE WEARING RIGHT NOW THAT'S FOR GOOD AND DAMN SURE! ONE OF YOUR BOOBS POINTS STRAIGHT FORWARD WHILE THE OTHER ONE IS LOOKING OVER TO THE FUCKING SIDE! YOU HAVE COCK-EYED TITTIES, KONAAAAAN! THAT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE! YOU'RE THE ONLY GODDAMNED FEMALE HERE AND YOU HAVE TO HAVE FUCKED UP BOOBS! WHAT TYPE OF SHIT IS THAT?! I THINK WE NEED TO FIND SOME TYPE OF FUCKING JUTSU TO GIVE YOU SOME NORMAL BOOBS INSTEAD OF THOSE SHITTY KNOCKERS THAT LOOK LIKE THEY'VE BEEN STOMPED ON! I THINK I SAW A BIG ASS MOLE UNDERNEATH ONE OF THEM ONE TIME! It wasn't even a cute little beauty mark. It was a huge, dark brown, bumpy, hairy ass nasty mole up under there. There are just so many things wrong with you, KONAAAAAAN! You're the only fucking girl we have! You could at least take care of yourself. Good God how did you let yourself go? Sometimes I just wanna Almighty Push your ass off a cliff or something because there is just so much fucking shit wrong with you," Konan stood completely still and wide-eyed as she took in everything he just threw at her. He walked over to her and kissed her lightly on the cheek. "I like that perfume you're wearing, it smells nice," he whispered to her sweetly before swiftly exiting the kitchen.

The amber-eyed woman blinked a few times then looked down at her boobs. She pushed one up and then the other then let them go. Then she pulled her panties off and threw them in the trash. Next, she leaned against the sink before reaching a finger down to wipe between her toes. She brought it up to her nose. *sniff sniff* THUD! Konan fainted from the smell of her own toes.

Pein had left the kitchen so quickly because the lovely tickle of oncoming laughter had been teasing him and he had to wrap everything up and get away. He felt so amazingly exhilarated! He was having the time of his life and COULD NOT WAIT to move on! He heard a THUD! This made him stop in his tracks and go back to the kitchen. When he got there, Konan was nowhere to be found. He knew she hadn't left out yet but where could she be? He walked on in and then saw her lying on the floor. He went over to her and knelt down. He shook her softly at first but after getting no response he shook her violently and she began to stir. "What happened?" she murmured as she rose slowly from the floor with help from Pein. "I don't know. I left out and then heard a noise and came back to find you like this," he replied. "Oh…OH! I remember what happened now. Hehehe I'm fine," she giggled nervously then started looking up at a random corner before tensing up suddenly. "Oh no! I have to get rid of that film!" As soon as the words left her mouth, she gasped. Pein stared at her with an amused look. "So, it's true then? You have cameras everywhere?" he asked with a smirk. Konan looked as if she was about to protest but then hung her head in defeat. "Yes. It is my wicked indulgence to spy on everyone," she mumbled. The orange haired man simply chuckled a bit and said "Take me to see the screens that the cameras lead to." Konan's head shot up at the sudden demand. She reluctantly began trudging out of the kitchen and down the hall that led back to the bedrooms. Pein followed behind her, liking where this was going. He would be able to catch his followers in all types of awkward situations then go bust in on them and spout random bull crap at them. Konan opened the door to her room and then walked over to a wall. There was no door and certainly no screens. She stood in front of it then made a few hand signs before one of her hands turned into many smalls pieces of paper. The papers flowed away from her and stuck to the wall in the shape of a word. Pein waited patiently for the word to form. 'Must be a password' he thought. The first two letters were "y" and "a". Konan started shuffling her feet nervously as she continued to spell the word out. The third letter was "o". Pein was struggling to think of a word that started out with those letters. By the time he looked up the words "Yaoi Haven" had been spelled out in tiny sheets of paper of the wall in front of him. He sweat dropped but said nothing. The edges of the papers glowed light green for a moment then they floated back to form Konan's hand before a chunk of the wall seemingly disappeared and revealed a room full of screens and control pads. Each screen displayed a different room in the Akatsuki hideout. There were over 30 screens meaning that Konan literally had cameras EVERYWHERE! There were two in each person's bedroom so that she could get different angles of certain…..things. The ring-eyed man was quite impressed and walked into the room to look at the various screens. He saw Sasori and Deidara cuddling in bed. Kisame and Zetsu were resting in the infirmary. Tobi was napping on his bed. Kakuzu was taking a shower. Hidan was sneaking into Tobi's room. He walked over and pulled his pants down. He pulled out his already hardened length and began pushing it into Tobi's eyehole. The masked man remained 'asleep' as the Jashinist had his fun. Itachi was….was he? So that's what those sounds were coming from their room. Pein stared at Itachi's screen for a moment before turning to face Konan. "I'll be needing to use these again soon. Keep this room open please," he said nicely before leaving the blue-haired woman's bedroom. She stood there stunned and then went over to sit down in front of her screens to watch the guys doing different things. Our favorite orange haired, Rinnegan eyed, Akatsuki leader had an idea as he left Konan's room with a huge grin on his face. If any of his followers saw him they would run away scared and wonder just what the hell was going on because he never smiles like that. EVER.

_A/N: Heh heh, well that could've been a bit better in my opinion but it's done and that's all that matters! Can you guys guess where he's headed next? I hope you can. I tried to make it obvious without making it obvious if you know what I mean. Stay with me to see where Pein's interests take him next. _


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Welcome back to 'What Pein Thinks!' I am really loving writing this fic so far. It's just hilarious to me to imagine Pein going around doing this stuff. __ I hope you guessed from the end of chapter 2 where Pein is going next. If not, you'll be finding out shortly._

_I believe I owe a big ol' thank you to __**reddoggie**__ for reviewing. Your review made me smile! :)_

_Also, thank you very much to the anonymous reviewer for Chapter 2! I'm glad you found it funny! _

_**WARNING: **__We will be taking a bit of a turn here, guys. The rating has officially gone up to M. It may seem like too much but I wanted to raise it just to be safe. This chapter contains masturbation and graphic details about sexual acts between two males as well as many mentions of cum. If that's too much for you to handle then you know what to do. *points at the door behind her that has an EXIT sign hanging over it* Now that we've got that out of the way, let's do this. *cracks knuckles*_

Pein walked out of Konan's room and went towards the end of the hall. He stopped at the last door on the left, Kisame and Itachi's bedroom. He stood there silently for a moment, waiting for his signal. After about thirty seconds, a series of erotic moans were emitted from inside. Pein smirked and then threw the door open suddenly. "WELL GOOD MORNING!" he yelled at the person within. Itachi gasped and then scrambled to throw the sheets over himself but failed horribly as they all got tangled and fell on the floor. He settled for just sitting butt naked on his bed and covering his manhood with his hands. He was all sweaty and his chest was heaving. Pein stared at the disheveled Uchiha. "Y-yes, Leader?" stuttered Itachi. "Itachi were you… jacking off?" Pein asked slowly. Itachi coughed and blushed then whispered "Uh huh." Pein was silent for a moment. Then he took a deep breath. "ITACHI WHAT IN THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? DO HAVE A WANKING PROBLEM OR SOME SHIT!? YOU ARE ALWAYS MOTHERFUCKING MASTURBATING! I AM SURPRISED YOUR GODDAMNED DICK HASN'T FALLEN OFF BY NOW! THE MUSCLES IN YOUR RIGHT ARM MUST BE MONSTROUS BY NOW BECAUSE YOU DON'T GIVE IT A FUCKING CHANCE TO REST AT ALL! I AM SERIOUSLY SURPRISED THAT YOUR HAND ISN'T STUCK IN THAT SAME DAMN POSITION BECAUSE YOUR HAND IS ALWAYS WRAPPED AROUND YOUR COCK, BOY! YOU RUB ONE OUT EVERY CHANCE YOU GET, DON'T YOU?! WHEN WE'RE AT DINNER, DO YOU THINK I DON'T NOTICE YOUR RIGHT ARM SLIPPING UNDER THE TABLE AND MOVING UP AND DOWN VIOLENTLY WHILE YOU SPILL HALF OF THE SHIT OFF YOUR PLATE FROM TRYING TO EAT WITH YOUR LEFT HAND?! I SEE ALL OF THAT SHIT, BUDDY! THE CHAIR YOU SIT IN AT THE DINING TABLE IS COVERED IN CUM STAINS! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I WALKED IN ON YOU JACKING KISAME OFF TOO! DO YOU CONSTANTLY PULL ON HIS JUNK TOO? HOW IN THE HELL CAN YOU TWO CUM SO MANY TIMES IN ONE FUCKING DAY? Goodness me, you're going to give me an aneurism with all of this. Your mattress must be soaked through with cum. I know you and Kisame fuck a lot because we can all hear you every night so I know that's a cum sponge your laying on right there. Oh yeah, look at it. I see the stains that have soaked through to the sheets. Those are going to be permanent aren't they? Yeah cum is pretty hard to wash out. How do I know that? Don't worry about it, Ding-Dong Boy! I bet your robe has a lot of stains right in the middle part there doesn't it. Mmhmm I know it does. Your hand is always under your robe and constantly moving. That reminds me of that one time we all went on a group grocery shopping trip and we were all walking down the juice aisle. You remember that too, don't you?" Pein stared at the naked man expectantly. Itachi nodded his head no and continued blushing, knowing that he knew what Pein was talking about but choosing to hear the story.

"You don't? Well let me refresh your memory. So, we were walking down the juice aisle and Deidara didn't know that you weren't supposed to open the juice before you bought it. So he opens up a bottle of 'Juicy Juice' and starts chugging it before Zetsu snagged it from him and popped it back on a shelf. You took your little horny ass over there and took the bottle while it was probably still warm from Deidara's hot mouth and then started FUCKING THE BOTTLE OF JUICE! WHAT THE FUCK? YOU ARE ONE HORNY LITTLE SHIT, ITACHI! IT'S NOT NORMAL! Ok maybe it is. You are only…what… 21? Yeah you're just a little horny bastard with a big libido. Your moaning caught my attention earlier and I was gonn—ITACHI WHAT THE FUCK?! I AM STILL IN HERE!" Itachi had begun stroking himself again. He had gotten turned on at the thought of that warm bottle wrapped around his hard cock. Oh, it was so tight and smooth and the cool juice was hitting his tip as he moved the bottle on himself. He had stood right there in the grocery store and pleasured himself and didn't give a fuck who was watching. He was a bit of an exhibitionist to be honest. Deidara's leftover saliva had felt so nice and slick against his hot flesh. Deidara actually does give one hell of a blow job. He would need to go visit the blonde soon, very soon. The raven haired heartthrob had been brought out of his sweet reverie by Pein yelling at him. "YOU SON OF A BITCH! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME? STOP BEATING YOUR FUCKING MEAT AND PAY ATTENTION!" Itachi snapped back to attention, leisurely petting his still rock hard boner.

Pein sighed and shook his head but continued. "Itachi you are a sexy fucker. I just wanted to put that out there. I mean, during the sex parties, you look graceful in everything you do. Even when you have a thick cock pumping in and out of your ass, you look so at peace. That's not a quality that many people, men or women, possess. You can't suck dick for shit but you make up for it many other ways," Pein went on rambling about various things he liked and disliked about the Uchiha. Little did he know, Konan was walking around naked back and forth outside of Itachi's bedroom door just because Pein was standing there running his mouth. She would occasionally stop in the doorway and silently play with herself. She would push her plump breasts together then lick her fingers and rubs them around on her hardened nipples. Itachi was practically drooling at the sight and completely ignoring Pein. He had gone right back to pumping his erection as he watched the show being put on just for him. Konan began fingering her wet opening and biting her lip to hold in moans. Itachi was seconds away from jumping off the bed and rocking her world right up against the wall but she eased her soaked fingers out of herself and strutted away as Pein began bringing his 'speech' to a close.

He noticed Itachi looking past him and then turned around to see what was there. While he did this, Itachi brought himself to release and spilled hot, creamy cum all over his hand. Since Pein had complained about it so much, Itachi decided to have a bit of fun. He moved quickly, appearing right in front of Pein while the orange haired man still had his head turned and then flung the milky substance covering his hands onto the front of Pein's nice clean robe then moved just as quickly back to his position on the bed. Pein looked forward again to see Itachi watching him intently with a sparkle of amusement in his dark eyes. All of that happened in all of about 10 seconds. Yep, Itachi is just that good. Pein was none the wiser and just smiled at the nude man. "You seem in good spirits this morning. Have you been to see Kisame yet?" he asked. "Yes of course. He is the one responsible for this," Itachi removed his hands from his lower parts and revealed his penis which had become erect yet again. An orange eyebrow was raised. "Yeah right. You get horny from anything. If I brought a cucumber between two oranges in here, you'd be bent over trying to shove it up your ass! It's ok though," within the blink of an eye, Pein was right next to Itachi and put his mouth right next to Itachi's ear. "I like that," he whispered. His hot breath made Itachi shiver. Pein stood up straight and began making his way to the door. Before he walked out, he looked back over his shoulder at Itachi. "I think I'll go see Kisame and let him know just what kind of state you've been left in without him here to take care of you," he said softly. Itachi gave a small smile and nodded to his Leader before the purple-eyed man left out and shut the door. He laid there for a moment and then looked down at his weeping erection. "I think I'll go see Konan," he said in that smooth, sexy voice of his before pulling on a pair of cotton pajamas and leaving his room to go down the hall to where Konan was probably waiting for him.

Pein went in the opposite direction and exited the bedroom area. The infirmary was on the other side of the hideout so he had a bit of a walk ahead of himself. He took his time and replayed all of his previous actions and laughed silently as he went along. "The look on Konan's face this morning was just hilarious," he mused to himself. This went on until he arrived outside of the room that held Zetsu and Kisame. He walked in and noticed that the bed that had previously been occupied by Zetsu was empty. Kisame was still lying in his bed with bandages wrapped around his upper body. He had been watching television but turned it off when he saw the orange-haired man walk in. "How's it going, Leader?" he said with a wide, toothy grin. "Very well actually. How are you today, Kisame?" Pein replied, returning the grin with a small smile. "Just a little sore but Itachi has been helping me overlook that if you know what I mean," the shark-man said, winking at his Leader. Pein simply chuckled at what the shark had implied. "Mmmm I know exactly what you mean. I've just come from talking with him myself. He seems to be quite helpless without you there to help him out." It was Kisame's turn to chuckle as he thought of what Itachi had probably been doing with himself. "Poor thing. When I get well, he and I need to take a hot bath together to begin making up for lost time. He always loves our baths," Kisame said this partly to himself as his eyes took on a far-away look as he thought about the things he would do to his partner when his strength returned. "Baths are a great way to get things started. But you see Kisame, you don't take baths. *takes deep breath* YOU GO FOR A FUCKING SWIM IN THE GODDAMN POOL! THAT IS A BATHTUB, SIR! A BATHTUB! YOU DO NOT DIVE YOUR BIG ASS UP IN THERE LIKE WE'RE AT THE OLYMPICS OR SOME SHIT! THAT TUB IS ALL OF ABOUT 2 AND HALF FEET DEEP AND YOU JUMP IN LIKE ITS 9 FEET! YOU FLOODED THE FUCKING HALLWAY, YOU BLUE SON OF A BITCH! WE HAD TO USE THAT RAGGEDY ASS VACUUM CLEANER TO SUCK ALL OF THAT FUCKING WATER UP OUT OF THE HALLWAY! THERE WERE PAIRS OF TOBI'S SHITTY UNDERWEAR FLOATING AROUND EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE! THE CARPET STILL SMELLS FAINTLY OF SHIT IN THAT HALLWAY, KISAME! THEY GOT STUCK TO THE WALLS AND NOW THERE ARE RANDOM FUCKING BROWN SHIT SMUDGES ALL OVER THE WALLS OVER THERE! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT YOU FISH FUCK! HOW DO YOU NOT DROWN ITACHI IN THERE!? DOES HE DIVE HIS LITTLE BITCH-ASS IN THERE TOO? I COULD'VE SWORN I SAW YOU TWO MOTHERFUCKER SET UP A SLIP N' SLIDE IN THE HALLWAY OVER THERE AND THEN FLOOD THE BATHTUB SO YOU COULD GET ENOUGH WATER IN THE HALL TO MAKE THE THING SLIPPERY ENOUGH! Actually that was quite fun. We all came over in our bathing suits and had a great time. Until Tobi came in naked and slid down it on his ass. He left a long streak of his rancid shit right down the middle of it. It burned a long hole in the plastic and even in the carpet. Kakuzu was being an asshole and wouldn't buy new carpet. He just bought a strip long enough to cover the part that was burned away. It looks pretty retarded. The carpet is dark red but his dumb ass bought green carpet to cover the hole. Cheap motherfucker. I wonder about you people sometimes. You just do the dumbest shit. Like that time I walked in on you splashing around in the bathtub. Kisame, you are a grown ass shark-man thing. I had to take a shit that one day and I got to the bathroom and there was like water everywhere on the floor and I heard giggling coming from inside the bathroom. I open the door to find YOUR ASS UP IN THERE SPLASHING ALL THE FUCKING WATER OUT OF THE FUCKING BATHTUB LIKE A STUPID ASS LITTLE KID! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU HAD WATER EVERY WHERE IN THAT GODDAMN BATHROOM YOU ASSHOLE! THE TOILET PAPER GOT ALL WET AND SHIT! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH 2-PLY COSTS THESE DAYS? THERE IS PERMANENT MOTHERFUCKING WATER DAMAGE AROUND THE EDGE OF THE TUB NOW THANKS TO YOUR STUPID ASS! IF THAT FUCKER FALLS THROUGH THE FLOOR ONE DAY, I DO NOT WANT ANY OF YOU TO COME WHINING TO ME! YOU ALL KNOW THAT WE CAN'T CALL A GODDAMN BUTT FUCKING PLUMBER BECAUSE WE ARE CRIMINALS AND THIS IS OUR HIDEOUT! IF WE BRING ONE OF THOSE SON OF A BITCHES IN HERE THEN WE WILL HAVE TO KILL THEM AFTERWARDS OR WE WOULD RISK GIVING AWAY OUR LOCATION! DO YOU WANT TO HAVE TO DO THAT? YOU WANT TO KILL AN INNOCENT PLUMBER KISAME? DO YOU?!"

By this time, Pein was right in Kisame's face with his hands around the blue man's neck. Kisame lay there wide eyed and shook his head vigorously, letting his angered boss know that he did not want to kill an innocent plumber. "Yeah that's what I thought. No one wants a dead plumber on their conscious," said Pein quietly as he released the scared Kisame. Pein stood there looking down at the shaken man, keeping his face stern and serious. He was about to say something else but a strong smell wafted up to his nose. He sniffed once then covered his nose with his hand. Kisame was trying to look innocent and began smoothing out the sheet that covered him. He was also avoiding Pein's gaze since it had just gotten more intense. "Kisame." Pein said firmly. Kisame flinched and gulped. "Y-yes, Leader sir?" he sputtered. "Do you smell that, Kisame?" Pein was now glaring at the nervous shark. "Smell? What smell? No sir, I don't smell a thing," he said rather quickly. "Oh you don't? Do you want me to tell you what the smell is, Kisame?" Pein began leaning down the Kisame's face. The scared man closed his eyes and tried to go to his happy place because he no idea where the fuck this was going but he didn't like. He did not like it one bit. Pein got right next to his ear and said. "The smell is piss, KISAME. YOU LAID RIGHT THERE AND PISSED ON YOUR FUCKING SELF! CAN YOU NOT CONTROL THAT BLADDER?! DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING RIDICULOUS YOU LOOK LAYING THERE IN YOUR OWN FUCKING PEE? PRETTY FUCKING RIDICULOUS! ARE YOU NOT POTTY-TRAINED?!" Pein stood up after calmly screaming in Kisame's ear. Kisame kept his eyes closed and waited for everything to be over. "Tsk tsk, that is just sad. Do you still wet the bed? I bet you do. It's always the big, tough fuckers that still wet the bed. They deny it but we all know they do. So when you and Itachi are sleeping is it just like a subtle thing where you're both just snoring away and then suddenly Itachi feels a warm wetness slowly spreading under him then he wakes up and realizes what your bitch ass has done and then he yells at you or what? Is he used to it? Does he like it? He should make you wear diapers or something. He needs to get you some Depends. You know, that's a good nickname. I will be calling you 'Depends' from now on. So get used to it. That's you. Depends the pissy ass shark dude. I want you to put that on your mission reports. They need to say 'This mission was completed by Itachi Uchiha and Depends the pissy ass shark dude'. If you don't do it then I'll dock your pay," after this, Pein stared at Kisame who had opened his eyes and was just staring back at his crazy Leader and nodded. "Very good, pissy ass. Your name is like someone telling you to kiss them in a weird voice. Have you ever thought about that? Kisame = Kiss me. It sounds very similar. It's pretty cool actually. Oh yeah, I meant to tell you that I just…..really like your skin. It's so soft and smooth and blue. From the looks of you, you seem like you'd have some rough ass skin but it's pretty soft. And blue. I like blue. It's blue like Konan's pubes. Not the same shade but nice all the same. I like your pubic hair too, pissy ass. It's darker than Konan's and very beautiful. I like burying my face in it just like with Konan's. It's like a little crown down there. What is it with me and blue pubes? They're just unique I guess. Blue isn't even my favorite color. I prefer purple myself but I haven't encountered purple pubic hair before. I would probably fall in love with it. What do you think?" Pein looked to the shark-man for a response but found that he was staring back at him with a what-the-fuck face on. Pein ignored it and continued. "I think I would. It would be quite pleasant. Me, you, and Konan need to just have a random meeting in the living room one day. Yeah that would be fun. Everyone else is gonna hear us and then walk in and be like 'oh oh you didn't invite us? We see how it is.' Then they're gonna strip down and join the three of us and then it's just gonna be one big ass orgy right there in the living room. It's gonna be great. Get well soon, pissy ass," Pein randomly kissed the shark-man on his forehead before strolling casually back out of the infirmary.

Kisame just laid there with the same what-the-fuck face on as he watched Pein go. A faint dripping sound could be heard. Kisame looked over the edge of the bed to see his pee leaking out of the mattress and onto the floor below. He leaned back and settled himself on his pillows before pressing a button on his bed that signaled for the on duty 'medic' to come clean him up. That person happened to be Hidan who came in a few minutes later with a wide grin on his face. "Well HELLOOOOOO, Depends!" he yelled. Kisame blushed. "You must've passed Leader in the hall," he grumbled. "Why yes I did, Mr. Pissy Ass Shark Dude. Let's clean you up! Woooo!" shouted Hidan. Hidan had a thing for the shark's ass and 'raped' him every chance he got. Stripping the injured shark man down to clean him was the perfect opportunity since Kisame couldn't run away.

Pein left the infirmary area and went to the kitchen after he had paid Hidan $20 to call Kisame Depends the pissy ass shark dude then give him a nice bath. Today was a good day for the Leader of the Akatsuki. The best one in fact. He decided to take a break from all of his excitement and fix himself a little breakfast so he could think of who he would confront next.

_A/N: Yay the first couple's chapter! I hope that Itachi's part wasn't too much for anyone. He just seems so sensual to me like he has such a sexy voice and the way he carries himself is just so suave. I had to make his section erotic for some reason. Every time I tried to take some of it out, it just wasn't working for me. Don't worry though, every chapter won't have that much sexuality unless you guys want it. I personally enjoyed writing it. Pein got so random with Depends, I mean…err…Kisame…didn't he? Hopefully you lovely readers enjoyed this chapter!_


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Hello hello hello everyone! Oh my goodness I am just so happy right now. My reviewers are seriously freaking awesome. I can't tell you how good it makes me feel to get positive feedback from you guys. It's like the best feeling an author can have! I love being able to show recognition to those of you who took time to give your opinion of my story so here we go:_

_**THANKIES: **__Gotta show some love to my Anon that reviewed for the last chapter. Thank you and sorry about earning you a few strange glances lol. Glad you enjoyed though._

_**Unkownlove **__you are the best, definitely my fave reviewer! Thanks for that sweet review. I hope you continue to enjoy my randomness. Seeing your username makes me feel so happy now. :D _

_**BloodieReader**__: glad to have you on board, my friend. I generally find my humor kinda sucky so knowing that you think its hilarious boosts my confidence. But on a more 'serious' note, no one can live with themselves knowing that they've killed a poor innocent plumber? It's too much to bear…_

_Heh heh, now that we're done with that we can get to the fun part. Well…..fun for Pein anyway. Hehehe. No warnings for this chapter other than a lot of talk about poop. __**Bold words signify Black Zetsu talking. **_

In the Akatsuki kitchen, Pein had sliced up some peaches, apples, kiwis, and pineapple for his breakfast. He also made himself some toast and spread a little butter over it and then poured a glass of fresh orange juice. He settled down at the table with his food and popped a couple of kiwi chunks into his mouth as he flipped through a magazine someone had left on the table. "Now who in the fuck wants to make a cake that has tomatoes in it? That's just disgusting," he mumbled as he flipped through a couple of pages that contained recipes. He reached for another piece of fruit and notice that the juice in his glass was shaking. "Is there an earthquake?" he asked aloud as he looked around to see if anything else was shaking. Seeing nothing, he went back to his fruit when all of a sudden, something green on the floor caught his eye. He looked down to see what looked like small plants growing out of the ground. He sat staring at them trying to figure out how they could've gotten there. They starting moving and made his jump a little. Then, they grew out into the shape of a…..huge Venus flytrap? The sudden appearance of the giant thing made Pein flip back in his chair out of shock. Zetsu fully emerged and brushed himself off.

Pein sat up to see the plant-man staring down at him. "ZETSU!? What in the holy fuck? What have I told your stupid ass about randomly rising through the floor like that?" yelled Pein angrily as he stood and put his chair back in its upright position so he could sit back down. But before he did, he rolled up the magazine and bashed Zetsu in the face a couple of times. "Oww! That hurt! **What the hell?**" Zetsu cried as he rubbed his sore nose. "That was for scaring the shit out of me and making me fall on the floor. I hurt my ass, Zetsu. I was _trying _to eat my breakfast here but your bitch-ass had to practice your fucking dramatic entrance at the wrong time like somebody really gives a shit whether your green ass just rose out of the floor. Orochimaru can do that so it's nothing we haven't seen before. You do it quite often as well so it kind of lost its excitement and has gotten pretty fucking annoying. You need to stop that shit. Like srsly," Pein rambled before munching on his toast. Zetsu sweat dropped. "Are you kidding me? **Did you really just say 'srsly'?**" the plant-man asked incredulously. "Mmhmm," came Pein's muffled reply. "**No one says it that way. **How do you even say it like that? **I don't know. I think you have to mush all the syllables together really fast so that it becomes one thing. **Oh right I see. But how can you tell the difference between that and the actual word?" Black Zetsu was about to reply but was interrupted by a peach slice hitting him on the forehead. "Would you stop with the conversations with yourself? It's freaking me out," said Pein. "**Says the guy with random black tubes shoved into his face. **Haha good one," Zetsu chuckled as he high-fived himself. "Oh you think that's funny, do you? You know what else is funny?" Pein asked with a smirk. "Yeah.** All of those flaky, white spots on the front of your robe**," Zetsu retorted. Pein's smirk fell as he looked down at his robe. Sure enough, there were dried, white spots on it. But what could it be? He hadn't eaten anything white besides his bread but that couldn't leave spots like these. Zetsu watched in amusement as Pein studied the mysterious spots. Pein wasn't amused at all. He scratched one of the spots off then sniffed his finger. His face turned red with anger. "That is DRIED SPERM! ITACHI YOU SON OF A BITCH!" he shouted. "MY MOTHER'S DEAD! YOU CAN'T CALL HER A BITCH!" Itachi yelled back from somewhere down the hall that contained the bedrooms. "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU KILLED HER YOU DUMBASS!" Pein shouted back. "IT WAS FOR A GOOD CAUSE! FUCK! KONAN GODDAMNIT YES!" Itachi hollered. Konan could be heard moaning loudly and for some reason a cow could be heard mooing as well. Both Pein and Zetsu raised an eyebrow then shrugged it off.

"So Zetsu, where have you and Tobi been sneaking off to at night? And all those other times you two have been seen sneaking off together?" Pein questioned as Zetsu had begun taking random body parts out of air-locked containers in the fridge and putting them in a bowl. He looked shocked for a moment but sat down opposite from Pein at the table. He took a heart out of a bowl and took a bite out it. Once he had swallowed his 'food' he began talking. "We play hide and seek," he said bluntly. "Because the darkness helps right?" said Pein before he ate a piece of pineapple. "Of course," Zetsu replied. "So that one time Konan and I were fucking and you randomly rose through the floor at the foot of my bed was a part of the game right?" Pein asked casually, sipping his orange juice. The Venus-flytrap stiffened when the memory came back to him. "Right. Tobi wouldn't dare come in your room during you and Konan's playtime," he said in a small voice as he stared down at table. "But you would?" Pein questioned the visibly uncomfortable man. "Y-yes," he stuttered. "You like to watch don't you?" Pein continued. Zetsu had become so nervous that he couldn't even say anything so he just nodded yes. "Ah, yes. Don't we all. You and Tobi don't really play hide and seek though do you?" Pein asked a little less seriously. Zetsu relaxed a little and said "No. We go around spying. It's our thing," he confessed. "I figured as much. Nothing wrong with that. I like putting on a show," the orange-haired man chuckled at this and continued with his breakfast. "Do you usually fart on Konan's bottom lip or was that just a one-time kinky little thing?" Zetsu inquired boldly. Pein almost choked on his fruit. "What?! You were watching that? That was on my birthday! You could've given us some respect. I'm sure no one was watching us while _you_ were in there with me," Pein said outraged. Zetsu lost his boldness seeing that he had struck a nerve. "THAT is private! No one is supposed to know about that! ZETSU I SWEAR IF YOU TELL ANYONE THEN I WILL REPLACE YOUR HAIR SPRAY WITH WEED KILLER!" Pein screeched. Zetsu was trembling in his seat by now. Shaking his head 'no' and trying to keep it together so he wouldn't seem like a little bitch. "I can't believe you would do that! Could you not wait your turn or some shit like that? Were you just that fucking anxious? No wonder you were blushing so much when you came in! You know what? I know things about you too, you sneaky bastard! Oh yeah. I do a little spying of my own. I know for a fact that YOU eat Tobi's shit! YOU NASTY MOTHERFUCKER! HOW IN THE HELL ARE YOU NOT DEAD FROM EATING THAT?! DO YOU OBTAIN SEXUAL PLEASURE FROM DOING IT OR SOME SHIT? GOD FUCKING DAMNIT THAT HAS TO BE THE NASTIEST THING EVER! SOMETIMES YOUR BREATH SMELLS ALMOST AS BAD AS HIS STINKY ASS! DOES EATING IT HELP YOU GROW? IS HIS SHIT LIKE YOUR FERTILIZER? THAT IS JUST A DISGRACE! YOU ARE THE ONLY DUMBASS I KNOW THAT CAN SAY THAT THEY LITERALLY GOT SHIT FACED! THE LEAST YOU COULD DO WAS CLEAN UP THE SHITTY PAIRS OF FUCKING UNDERWEAR HE LEAVES SCATTERED IN THE DAMN BATHROOM IF YOU LIKE IT THAT FUCKING MUCH! Really though it would help us out if you could get rid of them. They're just lying there. Slowly burning holes into the floor. They could eventually burn the floor and then land on the pipes underground and fuck up the plumbing. I just had a talk with pissy ass about that this morning. We cannot call a plumber out here. They are not expendable. We can't just go around killing off plumbers. They're all just so innocent and just…come on. Who could kill a plumber? Could you? Are you that heartless? I send money in every month for them. Fuck! Zetsu, did you know that for just 37 cents a day you can feed a hungry plumber somewhere in the world? YOU ARE SAVING PLUMBERS! The charity I support is called 'Plumber Bums Are The Way To Go'. Anyway about those shitty drawers, just gather them up, take them to your room and have a good ass time. I don't see why he wears underwear anyway if he's just gonna fuck 'em up like that. Waste of money really. Do you wear boxers or briefs?" Pein took on that casual tone again. Zetsu had closed his flytrap in fear but opened it again once Pein seemed to calm down. "U-uh. I d-don't wear underwear, Leader," he replied fearfully. "Haha oh yes. I forgot that you have a detachable penis. It falls off once a month right? So you don't wear underwear so it can just fall right on off without you having to worry about a thing since it just grows back in a couple of days?" he asked with a grin. "Yes, that's right. It gets really uncomfortable around the time I shed it. Wearing underwear only makes it worse so it just don't wear them," Zetsu explained. "Oh that's understandable. So when it falls off is it dead and wilty or is it normal or what? Could you still use it if you wanted?" Pein had taken on a mischievous tone by now. Zetsu had begun sweating under Pein scrutiny. "Umm….the cells are technically dead but it remains normal looking for a few hours after falling off," he replied. "So you could take it and basically fuck yourself with it? It would be like you fucked yourself. Ha that would be awesome. So what's with the leaf flap things around your head? It's not even logical. They don't seem to have much of a purpose. You use them to hide like a little bitch when you're scared. You seem to like hiding. You also seem to like hiding things. I remember that time you hid a pair of Tobi's shitty undies up under Kakuzu's pillow and he thought that Hidan had shit himself because the smell was so close and he didn't see any poop anywhere. Oh God. He woke us all up that night with his yelling. I believe he gave Hidan the worse beating that night. Then he found out that Hidan really hadn't shit the bed and then felt so bad. Then you told him what you had done and then he beat your bitch-ass. HAHA! He raped the hell out of you that night! I think you were enjoying it though. You were crying while it happened but those moans don't lie. No they sure don't, buddy," Pein said matter-of-factly as he wagged a finger at Zetsu as if he were scolding him. Zetsu just sat there with his mouth gaping as Pein went on about all this random stuff. "Hehehe while he was doing it, he had that pair of underwear from under his pillow taped across your nose and he made you say 'I find the smell of poop erotic' over and over again until he was done. That was one of the best laughs I've ever had. You had a long brown shit smear on your face for like a week," Pein stopped here to laugh his ass off as he thought of the way Zetsu had looked. Zetsu was blushing furiously as he watched Pein's spectacle. "Oh my fucking gosh you had a…..a…a SHIT-STACHE! HAHAHAHA!" Pein burst out laughing once again. "Fucking shit-stache! Oh man that's a good one. That is a GOOD ONE. Isn't it a good one, Shit Lip? You know it is." he held his side and wiped his eye as he looked over at the blushing plant-man who found none of the funny. "Come oooon Zetsu! That was a GOOD ONE! COME ON!" he screamed at Zetsu.

While he was trying to convince Zetsu that it was a 'good one', Deidara strolled out of the hall way and into the kitchen. "What's up, guys?" he greeted as he snagged a shiny green apple out of the fruit bowl on the counter. Zetsu turned around and mouthed 'Help me please' to the blonde while Pein just nodded at him solemnly and continued with his neglected breakfast. Not knowing what had happened just a few moments before, Deidara simply grinned at Zetsu assuming he was joking and then went into the living room to watch TV. Zetsu sighed hopelessly and turned back around to attempt to finish his own breakfast. The two sat there in silence for a moment before Pein decided to start up again. "So do you have nipples or what? I can't recall seeing any." he asked as he looked into differently shaped yellow eyes. Zetsu was about to reply but the sound of a TV commercial flooded into the kitchen catching his attention. A woman's voice was speaking while some generic sad music was playing in the background.

"_Did you know that for just 37 cents a day you could feed a hungry plumber? Just mail it in and it will go towards meals for plumbers all across the nation. For mailing details, call out toll free number. 1-800-PLUMBBUM. That's 1-800-PLUMBBUM. 'Plumber Bums Are The Way To Go' feeds over 6,000 plumbers every month thanks to donations from people just like you. Send in your 37 cents today because plumb bums are the way to go."_

Zetsu looked over to where Pein had been sitting but found that the man was gone. He suddenly came rushing out of the living mumbling something about finding Kakuzu so he could get the money for the hungry, little, 'plumbs'. Zetsu just shook his head and started back eating. Meanwhile, Pein could be heard yelling in the background. "KAKUZU GIVE ME MONEY FOR THE PLUMBS!"

"WHAT IN THE SHIT IS A PLUMB?!" Kakuzu yelled.

"FUCKING PLUMBERS!" Pein shouted.

"WHY IN THE HELL DO YOU NEED MONEY FOR THEM?! THAT'S WHY THEY DO PLUMBING IN THE FIRST PLACE!" came Kakuzu's response

"THEY ARE HUNGRY AND THEY NEED 37 CENTS A DAY!" Pein tried to reason.

"WOULD YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO HAVE SEX AROUND HERE!" Itachi joined in the ruckus.

"YEAH MOTHERFUCKERS AND I'M TRYING TO TAKE A FUCKING SHIT! I THINK SOMEONE PUT FUCKING LAXATIVES IN MY GODDAMN FOOD LAST NIGHT! FUCK! IF I FIND OUT WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKERS DID THIS SHIT TO ME, I'LL SLIT YOUR FUCKING THROAT! I THINK MY FUCKING ASSHOLE TURNED INSIDE OUT FUCK!" Yeah that was Hidan…..obviously. He must've finished up with Depends….err…Kisame.

"BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PLUMBS!" Pein whined.

"FUCK YOU AND YOUR PLUMBS! YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY MONEY!" Kakuzu shouted back with finality.

"I HATE YOU!" Pein screamed, sounding on the verge of tears.

"I HATE YOUR LITTLE ASS TOO!" Kakuzu shot back

"IF I HEAR ONE MORE THING ABOUT A FUCKING PLUMB I'M GONNA BLOW ALL OF YOU DUMBASSES THE FUCK UP!" Deidara shouted down the hall then stomped back into the living room. They had interrupted his nice horror movie and he had gotten fed up with their childish fighting. Zetsu finished up the last of his 'food', sat his dirty bowl in the sink and slowly slid back down into the floor the same way he had entered.

_A/N: Ok so I had no idea what to put for Zetsu so I had to dig really deep and I came up with whatever that was. I am so sorry for the lack of funny in here. I had a touch of writer's block and I tried to make up for it at the end of the chapter. I just really came up blank when I thought about what Pein would say to Zetsu so please forgive me for this chapter. Hopefully I can come up with better stuff for future chapters. Until then, this is Zayla signing off. _


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: And we are back! Sorry about the wait, I have been struggling for ideas but I have returned with a new chapter. Sorry if it isn't as great as previous chapters. I have to give my thanks for reviews so here they are:_

_**THANKIES: **__**unkownlove**__ I can't thank you enough. You totally rock! _

_Thanks to the anon who reviewed as well. I don't know if you're the same person from the first couple of chapters but if so then that's pretty awesome. _

_Warning for this chapter, there will be a tad more cursing, maybe a lot more, mentions of male on male sexual acts of course but nothing too explicit. I'm also taking a different approach for how Pein will get his thoughts out there. It'll be more like him having an argument with the person that ends up in random stuff being thrown out there. You'll see what I mean later on. Hopefully you all will still like it. Let the Pein madness commence! _

Pein walked back out of the hallway from begging Kakuzu for money and returned to the kitchen. When he arrived, he saw that he had flipped his glass of orange juice over in his haste to get money for the plumbs. He sighed and grabbed the roll of paper towels from the counter and ripped a few of them off. He went over to the table and wiped up the spilled juice. Seeing that there was still a lot of juice that hadn't been soaked up he went back over to get more paper towels and was in the process of rolling some off when a loud scream from the living made him jump and drop them on the floor. He ran over and stood in the door way that led from the kitchen into the living room and saw Deidara sitting on the couch, trembling with his knees up against his chest while is eyes were big as golf balls as stared at the flickering television. There were huge black curtains covering the windows so that the blonde could watch his horror movies at any time of day and still feel like it was midnight. Pein stood there watching the dumbass as he allowed the utter shit to be scared out of himself. The blonde man seemed unaware of Pein's presence even after the orange haired man had cleared his throat quite loudly. "DEIDARA! STOP SCREAMING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH! YOU MADE ME DROP THE FUCKING PAPER TOWELS!" This made Deidara jump about 5 feet in the air. "AAAAH! I'm sorry! You know I can't handle the jump scares," he apologized as he resettled himself comfortably on the couch. Pein just shook his head and muttered "Then why in the world do you watch horror movies every day?" "WHAT?!" Deidara shouted since he hadn't caught what Pein said. "Nothing, dumbass!" Pein said as he turned to go back to the kitchen.

When he turned around, he saw Hidan rifling through the refrigerator while singing off key to the music coming through his ear buds. "Hidan shut up," Pein muttered as he went back to cleaning up the juice. Hidan hadn't heard him so he went on plundering the fridge and singing as loud as ever. "Hidan I said shut up, you moron," Pein said a little more loudly. Once again, Hidan heard nothing he said so he continued jamming. Getting fed up with the zealot, Pein threw down the soggy ball of paper towels and walked up to Hidan and ripped the ear buds out then yelled right in his ear. "HIDAN IF YOU DON'T SHUT YOUR TONE DEAF ASS THE FUCK UP THEN I AM GOING TO SHOVE THAT IPOD UP YOUR CUTE LITTLE ASS!" Hidan cringed and stuck his fingers in his poor ears to try and get rid of the ringing. "FUCK! OK DAMMIT I HEAR YOU! DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO FUCKING YELL RIGHT IN MY EAR YOU FUCKER?!" he yelled back just as loudly seeing as he could no longer hear himself speaking. "YES YOU DUMB IDIOT! YOU NEVER FUCKING HEAR ANY OF US WHEN YOU HAVE THOSE DAMN THINGS STUFFED IN YOUR EARS! I'M SURPRISED YOU'RE NOT DEAF BY NOW!" Pein replied. "If I wasn't before then I certainly fucking am now," Hidan said under his breath. "WHAT WAS THAT YOU SHIT STAIN?!" Pein yelled at the silver haired man. "GODDAMNIT I FUCKING SAID THAT IF I WASN'T FUCKING DEAF BEFORE THEN I AM NOW, YOU ASSHOLE!" Hidan bellowed before he grabbed some sliced ham and a slice of cheese and went to make himself a sandwich. Pein pinched the bridge of his nose before he finally finished cleaning up his mess. Just as he was getting done, Hidan was about to walk into the living room with his freshly made sandwich but Pein decided to use this to his advantage. "Hey, get your ass back in here. I'm not through with you," he said. Hidan whirled around to look at Pein with a bored look on his face. "What the fuck do you want? I'm fucking hungry and I wanna go watch the damn movie with Deidara before it's over," Hidan replied impatiently. "Hey hey hey, no back lip. Just sit down and have a chat with me," Pein said casually. "Come on. I don't have time for this bull shit, Leader. You never wanna fucking chat any other fucking time. I have shit to do," said Hidan, who was getting a little agitated and had begun walking towards the living room. "You sit your stupid ass down and listen to what I have to say goddamnit!" roared Pein. Hidan flinched and almost dropped his sandwich. "Fucking fuck! Alright alright don't be a bitch," he mumbled as he sat down at the table. "If I want to be a bitch then I will and there's NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!" Pein screamed at Hidan whose eyes went wide. "Ok ok shit. Just calm down you crazy fucker. I'm already partially deaf so yelling isn't helping my poor fucking eardrums," Hidan said before taking a bite out of his sandwich. Pein sat down at the table as well and stared at the Jashinist. After a few seconds Hidan noticed him. "Just what in the fuck are you staring at you weird bastard?" he asked angrily. "I like having sex with you," Pein said sweetly. Hidan almost choked on his sandwich. "Fucking what? What the fuck does that have to do with anything?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. "Everything. I just like being with you. You moan like a girl sometimes," Pein continued in a strange tone. Hidan began blushing and went back to eating his sandwich, not knowing what to say. "I find that odd because usually the person on the bottom would be the one moaning like that but you were on top and you were so loud. I like that. Can you not control it? Has it always been that way?" Pein questioned as if this were the most normal thing to talk about over breakfast. "I don't fucking know. It's just what the fuck I do," Hidan shrugged. "I remember that one time you farted during an orgy and everyone stopped everything to laugh. Oh God, you were so embarrassed. You were just lying there with your ass in the air while we were all rolling around. Do you remember that, Hidan?" Pein chuckled a bit as he watched Hidan's blush grow. "Are you fucking stupid or what? Of course I remember that shit. All of you bitches looked stupid laughing like that. It wasn't even that fucking funny. I think one of you dumbasses gave me a fucking gas pill to induce fucking farting. You guys make me fucking sick," he muttered as he ripped his sandwich in half and then took another bite from one of the halves. "Oh Hidan. You are just a party pooper…literally. HAHA!" Pein went into a fit of laughter while steam began coming out Hidan's ears a he grew angrier and angrier. "Oh yeah well at least I don't FART ON KONAN'S LIP YOU NASTY MOTHERFUCKER! AHAHA! LAUGH AT THAT, BITCH!" Hidan spat before laughing a little himself. Pein's laughter ceased immediately as his eyes took on a look that would make you piss your pants. "What. Did. You. Just. Say?" he asked slowly through gritted teeth. Hidan calmed down and matched Pein's glare as he stared into those purple ringed eyes.

"I _said_ AT LEAST I DON'T FUCKING FART ON THAT BITCH KONAN'S FUCKING LIP YOU NASTY MOTHERFUCKER," he said in a serious tone.

"Oh HELL NO. I am going to fucking kill Zetsu. At least when the anal beads get put in me, they don't come out FULL OF SHIT! CLEAN IT UP AND USE AN ENEMA YOU DIRTY WHORE!" Pein retorted.

"IF YOU FUCKERS WOULD STOP PUTTING FUCKING LAXATIVES IN MY FUCKING FOOD THEN MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE THAT FUCKING PROBLEM! I DON'T HAVE TIME TO CONSTANTLY CLEAN OUT MY DAMN ASSHOLE FOR YOU SONS OF BITCHES! STOP MAKING ME SHIT ALL OF THE DAMN TIME AND THEN MAYBE THERE WON'T BE SHIT ON THE BEADS!"

"HIDAN YOU IDIOT! We've told you so many goddamned times that Deidara and Kisame do that shit to you but you never listen. It's really your own fault," Pein said calmly.

"Oh really? I'll get those bastards."

"Is your asshole really turned inside out? How does that even…..what?

"WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU THAT? THAT IS A PRIVATE MOTHERFUCKING MATTER!"

"YOUR DUMBASS SAID IT WHILE YOU WERE SHITTING EARLIER! I was asking Kakuzu for money for plumbs but he wouldn't give it to me."

"Oh yeah. You guys were fucking loud. I can't fucking concentrate with all out fuckers yelling out here. What in the name of fucking Jashin is a plumb?"

"SON OF A SHIT! HOW DO YOU PEOPLE NOT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK A PLUMB IS! THEY ARE INNOCENT ASS LITTLE PLUMBERS THAT NEED 37 FUCKING CENTS A DAY SO THEY CAN EAT! FUCK!"

"WELL HOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO FUCKING KNOW? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THOSE LITTLE BITCHES! They show their fucking butt cracks too much for my liking."

"YOU SHOW YOUR CRACK TOO MUCH, YOU ASSHOLE!"

"HEY FUCK YOU, BUDDY! FUCK YOU! I do NOT show my crack. You're the one who walks around in a fucking thong. Yeah I know you fucking do. I've seen how you walk your little horny ass around here and just randomly pull your fucking robe up and flash your ass at us!"

"I RESENT THAT!"

"STOP FUCKING DOING IT THEN! YOU DO THAT SHIT WHEN YOU BEND OVER TOO. YOU GET RIGHT IN FUCKING FRONT OF ONE OF US AND THEN BEND THE FUCK OVER LIKE YOU FUCKING DROPPED SOMETHING AND PULL THAT DAMN ROBE UP! YOU'RE NOT SLICK! YOU ARE NOT SLICK! YOU MAKE IT SO FUCKING OBVIOUS!"

"OH YEAH?! WELL I'M NOT THE ONE WHO WEARS A BRA! AHA!"

"HOW IN THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?!"

"Well, it was a pleasant summer day and I wa—"

"BE FUCKING SERIOUS YOU DUMBASS!"

"I was going to ask you something one day and I knocked on the bedroom door and no one answered so I slid the door open a little and I saw you standing in front of your mirror wearing the prettiest little red bra," Pein explained with a smirk.

"THAT WAS A ONE TIME FUCKING THING! I BORROWED IT FROM THAT BITCH KONAN BECAUSE KAKUZU'S KINKY ASS WANTED TO TRY SOMETHING NEW! I did not fucking like it one bit," Hidan pouted.

"I bet you didn't. Did you stuff tissues in it to simulate boobs?"

"NO I DID NOT PUT FUCKING TISSUES IN IT YOU FUCKING MORON!"

"I WAS JUST ASKING! Nothing wrong with trying new things."

"You're damn right there's not! You should fucking know since you've dabbled in the women's section yourself a few fucking times, _Leeeeader_."

"What?"

"I know all about your dirty little fucking secret, Panty boy."

"I'll have you know I didn't like them at all. There wasn't enough room for my dick. It kept falling out."

"Yeah right."

"At least I don't enjoy poking my dick into Tobi's eyehole while he sleeps! You are just SICK!

"I ONLY FUCKING DID IT THAT ONE TIME!"

"Yeah and you got hard as a rock and ended up coming on his chest. I saw you doing it this morning too! Ha you looked like you were having the time of your life. LOLOLOLOL"

"YEAH WEL—wait…..what? Did you just say…..LOLOLOLOL? WHAT THE FUCK? YOU DON'T ACTUALLY FUCKING SAY IT, YOU RETARD!"

"Oh. My bad…..this is pretty awkward."

"Not as awkward as you fucking farting on Konan's bottom lip. *tried to keep straight face but fails*"

"HEY HEY! Don't get me started on your bitch-ass, Hidan. I'm not the one who stuck a fucking tampon up my ass just to see what it felt like!"

"YOU BITCH! THAT WAS A FUCKING DARE AND YOU KNOW IT!"

"DON'T GIVE ME THAT BULLSHIT! YOU HAD A CHOICE BETWEEN WEARING DRESSES FOR A WEEK OR WALKING AROUND WITH A TAMPON SHOVED UP YOUR ASS FOR 6 HOURS EACH DAY! YOU FUCKING LIKED IT! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A VAGINA SO YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE FOR A GIRL ANYWAY, YOU IDIOT BASTARD!"

"WEARING A FUCKING DRESS IS WAY MORE FEMININE THAT WEARING A GODDAMN TAMPON!"

"NO IT FUCKING ISN'T! DO YOU HAVE A PERIOD? WHY IN THE HOLY FUCK WOULD YOU ENDURE HAVING A LITTLE THING UP YOUR ASS FOR HOURS? HOW WAS THAT EVEN PLEASANT? IT'S WAY DIFFERENT FROM A DICK SO I KNOW IT WASN'T COMFORTABLE! YOU'RE THE ONLY GUY HERE THAT CAN SAY HE'S WORN A FUCKING TAMPON! HOW DO YOU FEEL?"

"LIKE A LITTLE FUCKING BITCH! WAAAAAHH!" Hidan began crying and ran out of the room leaving Pein with a satisfied grin on his face. "That went well," he chuckled. He stood up from the table and began making his way towards the hall but was startled by Deidara's sudden scream from the living room. "Would you shut the fuck up, Dei? Damn it, I'm sick of your stupid ass scaring the shit out me while I'm trying to be serious and bad-ass!" he yelled into the living room and the grinning blonde sitting on the couch. "Yeah. Whatever," Deidara said as he waved his hand nonchalantly and returned his attention to the large flat screen hanging on the wall.

Pein simply sighed and continued his journey while thinking about Deidara's scream. It wasn't girly or anything but it was downright scary. It was the type of scream that made your blood run cold. It was hard to explain. It just sounded….unnatural, for lack of a better word. He shuddered a bit before opening Konan's closed door and walking in. He ignored the two naked individuals doing the frick-frack on the bed and they ignored him as well. He went over the sub-room that contained all the screens and stood there looking over each one, looking for the Akatsuki treasurer. He spotted him in the vault counting stacks of money. He turned around and walked back out silently, noticing that Zetsu was half-way submerged in the floor in the corner of the room, watching Itachi and Konan going at it. The corners of Pein's mouth turned up into a small smile. Zetsu really didn't care if people knew he was watching.

Pein left the room and walked down the hall. He passed by the bathroom, in which Hidan was crying his little eyes out and yelling things about laxatives. He passed by the infirmary in which Kisame lay scared and shivering in his bed from his 'bath' earlier. Pein stuck his head and said "Good afternoooooon, DEPENDS!" Kisame flinched violently, emitted a high pitched yell, and then fainted. Pein chuckled and brought his head back out of the doorway. "Heh heh, good old pissy ass," he said as he continued on his way. He passed by a few other miscellaneous rooms before he reached the end of the hall and made a left, coming face to face with the large, titanium-concrete enforced vault that contained the revenue of the organization. He put a code in using the keypad, put his hand on the hand print scanner, put his eye in front of the retina scanner, swabbed his cheek with a Q-tip and put it in the DNA testing device, sat down on the butt scanner and giggled a bit when the heat from the scanner grazed his bare bottom, and finally he verbally gave a password which had to be spoken into a microphone. "I solemnly swear that I will allow Kakuzu to have his way with me if I steal anything from this vault," he muttered as a sweat drop formed on the back on his head.

Slowly, the huge, triangular shaped door opened up and revealed a vast tunnel in carved into the wall of the cave. There were stacks of shining coins, paper money, and many other forms of currency located inside. Being used to the wondrous sight, Pein simply walked on by the various items without so much as a sideways glance at the merchandise as he went further and further inside. At the very back of the cavern, Kakuzu sat at a rather large metal desk counting out cash. "What brings you here today, Leader?" the masked man spoke without turning around. "Just wanted to come visit you in here," Pein replied shortly. Kakuzu stopped what he was doing and slowly turned to face his Leader with a questioning look in his oddly colored eyes. "Visit? Since when do you _visit_ any of us?" he asked skeptically. "Since today, I guess. So I've been wondering about a few things…," the orange haired man said as he pulled a clipboard and pen out from nowhere. "Would you be so kind as to answer a few questions for my survey, sir?" he asked politely. Kakuzu's jaw dropped behind his mask as he slowly nodded a yes, not knowing what he was getting himself into.

"Good good. Ok first things first. Do you have nip nips?"

"What?"

"DO YOU HAVE FUCKING NIPS OR NOT?!"

"What do you think?"

"I'll take that a no. *writes something down on clipboard*"

"What the fu—"

"NEXT QUESTION! Do you or do you not find the smell of poop erotic?"

"WHAT THE FUCK?! ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY OR WHAT? IF I FIND A PAIR OF THOSE FUCKING UNDERWEAR I WILL FUCK SOMEONE UP!"

"Calm down please, sir. I can see that this is a sensitive matter for you. If it makes you feel any better I'll keep your secret between the two of us. *winks*"

"There is no secret. What are talking about?"

"Do you use your black threads for sexual purposes?"

"Is this a real survey? I don't think it is."

"So you do? Ok *writes something else down*"

"What are you writing? *tries to peek*"

"No no no, sir. This is confidential. Moving on. If I rub your stitches will it make you aroused?"

"What? No!"

"*sits on Kakuzu's lap and begans softly caressing the stitches on his arms*"

"W-what are you d-doing? *groans*"

"Oh, looks like you were lying, buddy. I know that isn't a stick of dynamite in your pocket is it? Nope, sure isn't. That's a ding-a-ling right there. *wiggles a little*"

"*moans* S-stop th-that, L-leader!"

"Fine. You spoil everything! *gets up from Kakuzu's lap and writes something on that damn clipboard*"

"Thank you!"

"No problem, 'Kuzu. Now, why don't you take that thing off your head more often? You have really nice hair."

"I prefer to keep the majority of my head covered to prevent people from getting distracted by my…. odd features."

"Oh yes. Of course. Do you ever let anyone top you?"

"Hell no. I'm always the seme!"

"Mmhmm, I see. What about that one time when Hidan snuck up behind you while you were doing Zetsu? Hmm? Surely you remember that."

"*gasp* We vowed to never speak of that again. I can't believe this. *goes a little insane*"

"SIR PLEASE. I NEED YOU TO CALM YOUR ASS DOWN OR ELSE WE CAN'T FINISH THE FUCKING SURVEY. How do you keep your skin so soft and smooth and not wrinkly? You're like 100 or something, right? Your skin should look like a prune by now. Do you use some type of cream or….what?"

"Well if you MUST KNOW. I use Zetsu's sperm. It has this amazing ability to keep my skin youthful and soft and vibrant and not wrinkly and it smells like strawberries. Before I met him I used a shitload of chakra to keep the wrinkles away."

"Because you an old fucker?"

"Yes because I'm an old fuc—HEY WAIT A MINUTE! *stands up suddenly*"

"Whoa whoa whoa. These questions are for research, sir. Please refrain from acting like a little bitch."

"You better watch what you say. *sits back down*"

"Yes of course. Spit or swallow?"

"Depends on who it is."

"*writes down 'swallow' while giggling*"

"What the fuck did you write?"

"Nothing, sir. Just crucial information. Don't you worry a beautiful hair on your unique head. Have you ever boned anyone outside of people in the Akatsuki?"

"As a matter of fact I have. I did that Nine tails jinchuriki kid."

"Psssht, who hasn't? That kid is a good lay."

"Yeah I know right. Itachi's little brother is pretty good too."

"Oh really? I haven't had him yet. There's something about the Leaf village. They must give their shinobi special sex training or something because I was with that pink haired girl and let me tell you….she's good."

"Nice. I was with this one girl that wears these buns in her hair and she totally dominated me. It was incredible."

"Cool. I like dominant girls sometimes. Spices things up. So do you ever let Hidan dominate you?"

"WHAT? NOO! *sweats nervously*"

"I don't believe you. I do not believe you at all. STOP LYING TO ME! *grabs Kakuzu by his collar and shakes him* JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH! YOU'VE TAKEN IT UP THE ASS MORE THAN ONCE HAVEN'T YOU? HAVEN'T YOOOOU? *shakes violently*"

"No!"

"THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH! GET OVER YOUR SELFISH NEEDS AND TELL THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT TO KNOW!"

"NO!"

"WHAT ABOUT THE PLUMBS!"

"WHAT?"

"WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE?!"

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!"

"STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT!

"FINE! FINE! I LIKE IT WHEN HIDAN TAKES ME! I LIKE IT A LOT! WAAAAAAH! *cries*"

"*lets Kakuzu go* Wow you went out like a little bitch. One last question, sir and I'll let you get back to work."

"*sniffles cutely and wipes away tears* What is it?"

"Did you just fart, sir?"

"*sniffs* SON OF A SHIT! YOU FUCKING FARTED IN HERE! Oh my fucking gosh! IT SMELLS WORSE THAN TOBI!"

"*runs before Kakuzu can get him* THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME!"

"KONAN MAY ENJOY YOUR UNRULY FLATULENCE BUT I DON'T!"

"*skids to a stop* Have you talked to Zetsu?"

"*smirks beneath mask* Why yes I have. He's told me quite a few things."

"I am going to fuck his shit up. *stomps out of the vault*"

"Haha that's what he gets. *looks down at lap and sees that he is still pitching a tent* What am I supposed to do with this thing? *sighs and presses the button to shut the vault door then reaches into a draw and pulls out a bottle of lube* Here we go…"

_A/N: Phew! That was tough. I know it sucks but it's better than nothing, right? I expect that everyone understands what Kakuzu was about to do, if not then you seriously don't need to be reading this fic. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed. See ya next time! _


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Hello my lovely readers! I truly apologize for the lack of updating for a little while there for those of you who follow the story. I was having some serious writer's block but after brainstorming for a while I believe I have rustled up a few giggle-inducing ideas for you all. I actually got a lot of ideas so this is most likely going to be the longest chapter. If you weren't already aware, this is the last chapter since Deidara and Sasori are the last two members to be 'confronted' by Leader. Also, I haven't gone through checking for mistakes, I just typed it up and submitted it so please excuse the mistakes or if they make the story hard to understand, just shoot me a review or PM and I'll get things straightened out,_

_**THANKIES: **__Your reviews are definitely appreciated, Anon. Thank you _

_**Unkownlove**__, thank you so much for supporting me and this story since chapter 1. You're incredible and I appreciate all of your nice reviews!_

_**SkittleHeart and LadyAngel**__, thanks for reading and reviewing! I hope you're not disappointed with this chapter. _

_Warnings: Pretty much the usual stuff. Mentions of malexmale intercourse, cursing. Yeah, nothing too bad. _

_Ok, now we can move on to the story. Sasori and Deidara are both in for a few surprises today thanks to our favorite "Plumber Bums Are The Way To Go' supporter, also known as Mr. Orange-Hair-Don't-Care. Well actually the only people that call him that are his ho's but they're not here right now so he is simply know as Leader, Pein, or Son Of A Bitch(Hidan). Enough rambling now, I now present you with the sixth and final chapter of 'What Pein Thinks'._

Pein was angrily making his way towards the hallway that contained the bedrooms so he could talk to Zetsu about running his mouth to everyone about Pein's private bedroom business with Konan. He was almost there when he heard a distant squeaking. He paused for a moment, it didn't sound like a squeaking mattress. What could it be, he wondered. It seemed to be coming closer. Like it was moving towards the doorway leading down the hall. Pein continued listening as the quiet sound got louder and louder, closer and closer. Then it hit him, he knew it sounded familiar. _Sasori. _He continued on his way but without the anger he possessed before. Just as he was to pass the hall, Sasori walked out of the hall and went into the kitchen. He doesn't need to eat or anything but he does need to keep himself replenished with water so that the wood he's made out of doesn't began to crack, crumble, or rot. It may have been cut away from the trees but it is special wood that remains alive even after being severed from the tree and its roots. This means that it still requires water to remain solid and sturdy. The puppet-master walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out a cold bottle of water, twisted the cap off and brought it to his mouth so he could take a few sips.

Pein saw this as an opportunity and figured he could talk to Zetsu's talkative ass later on. He silently strode into the kitchen after Sasori with a hint of a mischievous little grin playing on his lips. "Hello, Sasori," he said in a casual tone. Sasori almost dropped his bottle of water and ended up spilling a little of it on his chest. He looked up and saw that it was Pein and a look of confusion swept across his teenage-like features. "Good afternoon, Leader. What brings you here?" the red haired man asked as he grabbed a paper towel and dabbed at the damp spots on the front of his robe. "I've been all around the place today. Just chatting with whomever I happen to come across. Does my presence bother you?" Pein questioned innocently. "No not at all, sir. It's a little strange is all. It's almost 2:00 and you're usually in your office filling out paperwork," Sasori answered. Pein nodded in understanding. "Yes I suppose it is odd seeing me out like this. I wanted a break from all that writing. I believe I'm developing carpal tunnel," he said thoughtfully as he rolled his wrist and flexed his fingers. "I could take a look at it some time if you'd like. I could recommend certain hand-wrist exercises to prevent you from having to undergo surgery," the puppet-master offered.

Being the most skilled medical-nin in the Akatsuki, he basically played doctor and if he wasn't available then Kakuzu and Hidan would help out. Kakuzu was almost as advanced as he was but not quite. Hidan had adequate knowledge of the human anatomy and could perform certain basic procedures but was nowhere near Kakuzu and Sasori's level so he was like an assistant who had the rudimentary knowledge to be capable of helping out a more skilled person.

"That would be great. For now, I would like to talk with you about a few things," Pein said as he took his regular seat at the head of the dining table. Sasori stiffened visibly for a moment before he slowly walked over and took a seat on the left side of the table. As the human puppet walked over to his seat, he squeaked quiet noisily. When he sat down, one of his joints let out a long, slow squeak that made Pein eyes water from the shrill sound. Hearing the squeaks, Deidara popped his head out of the doorway leading to living room and smiled at his boyfriend. "Hi, hun!" he greeted cheerfully. Sasori looked up to see the smiling man and couldn't help but smile himself. "Hello, Dei," the red haired man said in that soft, sweet voice of his. Deidara gave a little wave then went back to his horror flicks. Sasori let out a breathy little chuckle before his face took on a look of deep thought. "I wonder how he knew I was in here. I wasn't talking loudly or anything," he mused. Pein looked at him with an are-you-kidding-me face.

As you know, Sasori…..squeaks. His joints are made of metal so naturally they're gonna squeak if they're not kept oiled properly. Sasori is not deaf. No not at all. His ears work fine but for some strange reason he cannot hear the squeaking even though it's extremely noticeable to everyone around him. Pein simply stared at the other man for a moment, silently wondering if he was just fucking with everyone by pretending not to hear it. No, Sasori isn't one to fuck around. He must be serious. Nevertheless, Pein felt that the matter needed to be discussed. He took a deep breath, relaxed him jaw, closed his eyes for a few seconds then opened them slowly and turned slightly towards Sasori. "Sasori," he said simply. "Yes?" Sasori asked politely. "Sasori," Pein said again. "Uh, yes sir?" Sasori said in a slightly confused tone. "SASORI!" Pein shouted suddenly, startling the other man. "What is it, sir?" Sasori asked urgently. "You can hear me?" Pein inquired in his normal tone. Sasori blinked and said "Of course I can."

Pein pushed his chair back a bit and stood up, propping his hands on the table. "You mean to tell me that you can hear me talking to you and you heard me yell but you can't hear THAT GODDAMNED SQUEAKING! HOW IN THE HOLY FUCK DO YOU HEAR ME TALKING TO YOU IN A NORMAL VOICE BUT YOU DON'T HEAR YOUR OWN FUCKING SQUEAKY ASS WHEN YOU WALK AROUND OR SIT DOWN? WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? THAT HAS TO BE THE MOST ANNOYING SHIT EVER! I CAN'T FATHOM HOW IT'S POSSIBLE FOR YOUR LITTLE ASS NOT TO HEAR YOUR OWN SQUEAKING! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! DO KNOW WHAT SOUND THAT IS, PUPPET-BOY? THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK YOU SOUND LIKE WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY! SQUEEEEEEEEEAAAK! THAT'S WHEN YOU SIT YOUR ASS DOWN! DEAR GOD, SASORI WE HAVE TO POUR FUCKING LUBE ON YOU TO STOP YOU'RE SQUEAKING DURING SEX! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH FUCKING LUBE WE'VE USED ON YOU?!" Sasori sat wide-eyed as many of his fellow members have today and violently shook his head 'no'.

Pein's own eyes became wide as he stretched them in order to freak Sasori out even more. "Oh you don't do you? Well let me tell YOU, buddy! WE'VE USED 17 FUCKING BOTTLES OF KY JELLY ON YOU IN THE PAST GODDAMN MONTH! 1 MONTH! 17 MOTHERFUCKING BOTTLES OF KY JELLY! AND NOT EVEN ON YOUR DICK! JUST ON YOUR FUCKING SQUEAKY ASS JOINTS! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH KY JELLY COST?! ESPECIALLY THE KIND WE GET! IT GIVES YOU A TINGLY SENSATION AND IT MAKES THE BIG MOMENT EVEN BIGGER! IF WE KEEP ON AT THIS RATE WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST GET PETROLEUM JELLY AND SMEAR IT ALL OVER OURSELVES BECAUSE IF WE USE ALL THE FUCKING LUBE ON YOU THEN THERE WON'T BE ANY FOR THE REST OF US AND KAKUZU ALREADY THROWS A BITCH FIT ABOUT THE MONEY ANYWAY! HE WON'T EVEN GIVE ME MONEY FOR PLUMBS ANYMORE! THERE ARE FUCKING PLUMBS GOING HUNGRY OUT THERE AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!" Pein yelled as his eyes began to water at the thought of dead plumbs…dead plumbs everywhere.

Sasori sat completely still, trying not to make any sudden movements that would provoke the angry man before him. He cleared his throat and tried to look as calm as possible. "U-uh, sir? What are plumbs?" he asked as gently as possible, seeing that it was sensitive matter. Pein froze. Suddenly, his breathing became rapid, his eyes were unblinking and trained on Sasori, and his hands were gripping the table so hard that you could see where it had begun splitting under the pressure. Sasori cursed his own ignorance and prepared for the worse. "Did you just ask…..what I think you did? Did you just ask…what a plumbs is? How do you not know? HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A PLUMB IS! YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE RIDICULOUS! HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A GODDAMN PLUMB IS! THEY ARE NOT ONLY SOME OF THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN THE WORLD BUT THEY ARE HUNGRY AND THEY NEED 37 CENTS A FUCKING DAY! DO YOU NOT CARE ENOUGH TO BE CONCERNED WITH THEM? IS THAT WHAT IT IS? YOU SELFISH BASTARD! It's bad enough you waltz around here squeaking every fucking where but you just insult me with your lack of knowledge on plumbs. This is just…..wow….this is so much to take in all at once," Pein said rather quietly as he calmed down and returned to his former sitting position.

Sasori took a sip of his water as he tried to process what had just happened. As he lifted the bottle to his mouth, his arm let out a little squeak. He paused and then moved his arm up and down a little. It kept squeaking and for the first time…..he actually heard it. It was pretty annoying and he didn't know why he'd never heard it before. Maybe he had heard it before but just got used to it since he heard it all the time and eventually blocked it out completely. That didn't matter, the point was, he heard it now and he was going to take care of it. Pein had come out of his momentary daze and watched in silence as the puppet-master discovered the squeaking for himself. He could tell by the look on the red head's face that he really hadn't notice the noise before.

He had always wondered how Sasori could be ok with being a puppet. He was made out of nothing but wood and metal, save for his core and one other thing. His reproductive system. When creating his puppet body, Sasori had kept his heart for conducting chakra but why he'd kept his penis and his testicles well that's another thing. Sasori really like having sex. He wanted to be able to have sex forever so he found a way to connect his human sex organs to his wooden body and he keeps them functioning with chakra. Pein studied the other man for a moment before becoming increasingly curious.

"Sasori do you have any other human parts besides the ones we already know about?" he asked, bringing Sasori out of own little world and back to reality. "As a matter of face I do. Just a couple though," he answered casually. "Hmm….what are they?" Pein questioned while simultaneously letting his imagination run wild at the possibilities. "Well, I kept my tongue and salivary glands," he responded contemplatively. "Haha oh really? I bet I know why," Pein laughed quietly, "Is that it?" "Uh, no actually. I also kept my n….." he trailed off on the last word and dropped his gaze the table and started fiddling with his plastic water bottle. All Pein heard was the 'n' sound. The wheels in his head were turning as he thought about which parts started with 'n'. "I didn't catch that last part. What was that?" he asked as he watched the puppet master become nervous. "I said…. I also kept my uh…..my nipples," he said in a low voice as he continued to become more and more embarrassed. If he still had blood in his body it would be rushing to his face.

Pein was taken aback. He hadn't expected that. He hadn't expected that at all. "Sasori…why?" he asked slowly as his mind worked overtime to try and figure out some logical reason for the man to have kept his real nipples. Sasori seemed to lose the nervousness and stopped messing with the water bottle. He looked Pein in the eye. "I am a sexy beast and I must have sex for all of my eternal human puppet life! I use my tongue to do naughty things to people and my nipples were always quite sensitive. Playing with them almost brings me to climax. I couldn't part with them. I just couldn't." he declared dramatically. "Well said…..well said," Pein said acknowledging the man's honesty and reasoning.

He suddenly smelled a whiff of something sweet. "Do you smell that? That sweet smell? It's almost like…..syrup?" Pein wondered. "Oh yes. That is me. The special wood I used to make my body comes from a type of tree that bears sap that can be used for making syrup. Since it a very rare tree, most people don't use it for syrup production because….well they can't find them. These trees are always in the most unconventional places but it's worth searching for due to the wood's ability to stay alive even after being separated from the whole tree. Due to that sap, I permanently smell slightly sweet even if I take a shower or go without one for days. It is impossible for me to stink," Sasori explained.

Pein looked at Sasori's smooth face and began leaning forward as if to get a better look at the man. Before long, he had completely climbed on top of the table on his stomach and was inches away from Sasori's face, staring into wide brown eyes. "C-can I lick your face?" Pein whispered really loudly. Sasori seemed stunned and made no response. Pein simply kept staring and slowly moved closer and closer to the puppet's face and then quickly swiped his tongue across the man's smooth cheek. After doing this, he slowly crawled backward off the table still staring at Sasori, and then maneuvered himself back into his chair. "Your face tastes good," he said simply.

Sasori freaked and ended up scrambling out of the room suddenly and disappearing into the hall, squeaking all the way. Pein got up from the table and followed behind slowly. He heard a door shut and assumed it was Sasori and Deidara's room. He walked down the hall and stopped outside of the second room on the right. He pressed an ear to the door and heard giggling. He slowly pushed the door open and saw Sasori sitting in the corner at a table, writing feverishly in a little book. Pein pushed the door open a little more and eased his way in. He tip-toed noiselessly over to the red head and snuck up behind him. He leaned right down next his ear and shouted "SQUEAK! SQUEAK!" before running out of the room laughing his ass off.

Sasori and flinched so violently that he flipped out of his chair and ended up face-planting onto the floor. He had been writing in his journal about Pein 'making a move on him'. He got up from the floor, grumbling under his breath angrily, and then settled back down on his chair. He heard footsteps coming towards his room and he turned around to see who it was so he wouldn't be caught off guard again.

It was Pein, _again_. He had a look on his face that made it obvious he was trying to keep in laughter. He walked in and sat down on the foot of Sasori and Deidara's bed. "Sasori, I meant to mention something else earlier. You know those jokes you tell about your 'wood'? Yeah, THEY'RE NOT FUCKING FUNNY! YOU ARE NOT CUT OUT FOR COMEDY! NO YOU ARE NOT! YOU ARE THE WORST DAMN JOKE TELLER I'VE EVER COME ACROSS AND I HAVE HEARD SOME LAME ASS JOKES IN MY DAY! BUT BOY DO YOU TAKE THE CAKE! I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK YOU GET THESE JOKES BUT YOU NEED TO STOP! JUST STOP! MY POOR SANITY CANNOT TAKE MUCH MORE OF YOU AND YOUR HORRIBLE 'WOOD' JOKES! I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT ITACHI CAME TO ME CRYING ONE DAY BECAUSE YOU SCARRED HIM FOR LIFE WITH ONE OF YOUR JOKES! GODDAMNIT! IF THAT FUCKER GOES INSANE AND TSUKUYOMI'S THE SHIT OUT OF ALL OF US, I WILL PERSONALLY BEAT YOUR ASS! YOU GOT THAT, WOODY!?" Pein yelled.

Somewhere mid-rant he had begun jumping up and down on the bed while he shouted. Why he did this, no one knows. Sasori ended up fainting due to shock and Pein walked over to the fallen puppet, removed his cloak, and picked him up bridal style. He gingerly placed him on the bed and covered him with the sheets, tucking him in like a small child. He removed a few stray locks of red hair from the unconscious man's forehead before smiling down at him. "Sleep well, little guy," he murmured before walking slowly out of the room and closing the door gently.

He had one more target and he knew this would be fun since this one has done the most shit. Deidara was the prankster of the Akatsuki even though it seemed more rational for it to be Tobi considering how he acts. Deidara does different things to each of his fellow members.

For Hidan, he is accompanied by Kisame in adding laxatives to Hidan's food at different intervals. Hidan naturally has a lot of gas and no flatulence inducing pills have been slipped into his food or drinks, he just likes to say that to reduce his embarrassment at being so 'windy'.

For Sasori, he attaches random sex toys, usually strap-on dildos, to Sasori's puppets so that when they are summoned for a battle, they come out bearing a surprise feature, much to Sasori's embarrassment since people now think he gets it on with his puppets even though he really doesn't.

For Itachi, he sometimes transforms into Kisame and walks around picking his nose or scratching his ass every time he passes Itachi and then he makes sure that he, Itachi, and the real Kisame end up in the same place together and proceeds to make out with Kisame while still transformed so that Itachi gets freaked out. Deidara also transforms into Itachi sometimes and repeats the process so that Itachi gets freaked out at the sight of himself and Kisame kissing.

For Kakuzu, he transforms a random object into a stack of cash and tells Kakuzu he has something to show him. Once he gets Kakuzu to follow him, he makes a little clay bird and makes it fly over and sit on top of the fake money, which Kakuzu thinks is real, and then makes the bird explode, destroying the 'money' and making Kakuzu go bat-shit crazy and try to kick his ass while he runs away scream-laughing.

For Kisame, his partner in crime, he waits until right before Kisame is about to launch his big ass into the bathtub and yells 'BOO!', scaring the crap out of the shark man and making him become angry enough to chase after a giggling Deidara while completely naked. Deidara makes sure to run past everyone in the hideout so that Kisame's hot-bod will be shown off in all its glory, sparking confusion in some and arousal in all.

For Konan, he places a genjutsu on her that causes only Pein to think that various things are wrong with her body that really aren't so that she gets embarrassed and confused when the orange haired man fusses at her about her 'flaws'. Deidara wishes that the odor between her toes was just a genjutsu too but it isn't. The chick just has funky phalanges. Thankfully for him, Pein has yet to discover the secret of his genjutsu.

For Zetsu, he often hides in the plant-man's closet and records him masturbating while fantasizing about various other Akatsuki members, usually Kakuzu, Kisame, or Sasori, and then plays the video on the TV in the living room as loud as possible and sits there expressionlessly watching it until the others hear the sound of Zetsu's moans and get curious and come see what all the fuss is about. Zetsu usually gets pretty upset and threatens to eat the blonde man but never follows through on it.

For Tobi, he drilled the concept into the masked man's head that whatever he does: "Do NOT wipe after you make the poop. Do NOT EVER pick your underwear up from the bathroom floor. Just take them off and leave them there, if you're a good boy you'll do as I say." Anxious to please his senpai, Tobi obeyed by never again wiping his ass after pooping or picking up his horribly stained undies from the bathroom floor.

Last but certainly not least, for Pein, his dear Leader, Deidara likes to scream while watching his horror movies and scare Pein while the purple eyed man is trying to be stoic and 'bad-ass'. Ok, maybe the screams aren't on purpose but they do get hilarious results. He also likes to send clay animals into the ring-eyed man's office and then go running through the halls yelling about how he lost one of his C2 bombs and that it could explode at any moment. This also scares the living daylights out of Pein when he realizes that the little thing in front of him is gonna explode and level the entire hideout. Deidara then comes in and removes the animal and says that it's a false alarm and the little clay creation is completely harmless. He does this multiple times a week and Pein reacts the same way each and every time without fail.

Pein has gotten fed up with all of it. About 25% of the reports on his desk are formal complaints from other members about Deidara. He rounds the corner of the hall and passes through the kitchen before entering the living room where he is instantly greeted with one of Deidara's trademark screams, causing him to let out a yelp. Deidara stopped screaming and looked over to see Pein standing propped against the doorway glaring at him. "What's up, Leader? Lookin' a little pale there, hmm," he said as he gave one of those sexy little grins of his. Pein surely did look a little pale. Those screams of Deidara's really had a strong effect on him. It's like it entered his ear and completely upset his equilibrium. He had broken out into a cold sweat and his face felt flushed. He wiped the sweat from above his top lip with the back of his hand and stood up straight. "Deidara, I have come to have a talk with you about your antics," Pein said seriously. Deidara raised an eyebrow. "My antics? What about them, hmm?" he asked, still grinning.

Pein paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts. He took a deep breath, signaling the start of his wrath. "Do you know how many complaints I have covering my desk?" he questioned, voice shaking with suppressed anger. Deidara scratched his chin as he thought about the question. "Um…..A lot? I don't know, man," the blue-eyed man answered dumbly, not knowing it was a rhetorical question. Pein sighed before continuing. "You're right, Deidara. There are a lot. Most of them are about YOU, dumbass! I am so SICK of seeing your name on my goddamn desk! I HAVE SO MANY FUCKING REPORTS FROM HIDAN THAT SAY 'DEIDARA PUT FUCKING LAXATIVES IN MY FOOD AND I CAN'T STOP SHITTING!' WHY DO YOU INSIST ON DOING THAT? ALMOST EVERYTIME I HAVE TO USE THE DAMN BATHROOM, HIDAN IS IN THERE SHITTING AND IT'S ALL THANKS TO YOUR BITCH-ASS! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT THE REST OF US HAVE TO USE THE FUCKING BATHROOM TOO! WHEN I HAVE TO SHIT AND I GO TO THE BATHROOM AND HIDAN IS IN THERE, I END UP HAVING TO GO OUTSIDE AND SHIT IN THE BUSHES! IN. THE. FUCKING. BUSHES! I GOT POISON IVY ON MY ASS, DEIDARA! ZETSU HAD TO PUT CALAMINE LOTION ON MY ASS EVERYDAY FOR A WEEK! DO YOU KNOW HOW EMBARRASSING IT IS TO LOSE CONTROL IN PUBLIC AND JUST START SCRATCHING YOUR ASS AND THEN PEOPLE START STARING AT ME LIKE I'M A FUCKING PSYCHO?" Pein screamed at the blonde man whose eyes resembled a deer in headlights. "N-no, sir. I don't, hmm," he said in a quiet voice.

"Damn right you don't. I would love to blame Hidan's horrible farting habits on you took but it turns out he's just naturally overly winded. But anyway, I am also sick of seeing complaints from Sasori, YOUR partner and boyfriend. Why in the FUCK DO YOU PUT SEX TOYS ON HIS PUPPETS! THAT IS INSULTING THAT POOR MAN'S DIGNITY! HIS PUPPETS ARE HIS PRIDE AND JOYS SO HOW DO YOU THINK HE FEELS WHEN HE SUMMONS THEM AND THEY COME OUT WITH A FUCKING BRIGHTLY COLORED PENIS! THAT IS SOME EMBARASSING SHIT! PEOPLE ARE GOING TO STOP TAKING US SERIOUSLY IF THEY THINK OUR PUPPET MASTER ENJOYS HAVING SEX WITH HIS OWN DAMN PUPPETS! THAT IS JUST RIDICULOUS! THE POOR GUY BRINGS OUT HIS PUPPETS AND IS GREETED WITH THE SIGHT OF A FAKE, FLOPPY FUCKING WIENER! HE DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO TAKE IT OFF SO HE JUST HAS TO DEAL WITH BATTLING WITH A PUPPET WHOSE FAKE DICK IS FLOPPING AROUND IN FRONT OF HIS OPPONENT! HE SAID YOU EVEN DRILLED A HOLE IN ONE OF THEM AND PUT ANAL BEADS IN IT SO THAT THEY WOULD BE SLIGHTLY HANGING OUT WHEN HE SUMMONED IT!" Pein took a moment to catch his breath while still eyeing the shocked man on the couch.

"Dude, chill. I didn't think it was that serious, hmm. I was just having a little fun," the blonde man said trying to calm his Leader down. "A little fun? You're going to ruin the reputation of our organization, you little shit. By the way, where do you get the money to buy all of those toys?" Pein asked calmly. "Heh heh, I stole some from the vault," giggled Deidara. "*gasp* No way. How did you get past Kakuzu? He has cameras everywhere in there," said Pein. Deidara began blushing and rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "Well, you see, about that…I uh…. I didn't quite get past him, hmm," Deidara said quietly.

Pein stood there wondering what that could mean. His eyes widened when realization struck him. "I solemnly swear that I will allow Kakuzu to have his way with me if I steal anything from this vault," Pein stated the password used to enter the vault. "You let him have his way with you, didn't you? Just so you could steal money to humiliate your own man?" Pein asked incredulously. "He does some pretty interesting things with those threads of his plus you know he's pretty good in the sack. Not being able to walk for a couple of days was fine with me, hmm," Deidara replied, his blush increasing. "Oh you are just terrible," scoffed Pein. Deidara simply shrugged and tried to turn his attention back to the television in hopes that Pein would leave. Pein was having none of this though. "Anyway, I have more things to talk to you about like all the complaints from Itachi. Well, he didn't really send that many. His were mainly talking about how you making out with Kisame in front of him turns him on and makes him hard when he needs to concentrate on a mission or something. Basically, stop getting Itachi horny when he has other things to do. Uh, let's see….what else. Oh yes, stop fucking with Kakuzu and making him think you blew up money. Do you know what he does when he gets pissed off like that? He gets rough in bed. Like really rough. You know Hidan is a masochist so when Kakuzu took his frustrations out on him, his screams kept us all up all night. ALL NIGHT! I KNOW YOU REMEMBER THIS BECAUSE WHEN WE ALL GOT UP THE NEXT MORNING OUR EYES LOOKED LIKE BUSTED ASSHOLES FROM LACK OF SLEEP! ONCE AGAIN, ALL YOU'RE FAULT!"

"I can thank you for one thing though and that is keeping Depends from diving into the bathtub and throwing water every fucking where and causing permanent water damage to the floor which could eventually lead to damage with the plumbing and you know we can't bring a plumber up in here because plumbs aren't disposable. The whole running around thing is good too. That one time me, Hidan, and Itachi were having a threesome and you ran through the room with Kisame following behind, oh man, that helped us all out so much," Pein said with a smile.

Deidara looked a bit frightened by the Leader's openness about such things. He also didn't know how a naked Kisame chasing after him had helped out the other guys but, hey, he wasn't about to ask. Different people had different ways of getting to their 'destinations'. He did have two questions about something else though. "Sir, who is Depends and what exactly is a plumb, hmm?" he asked. Pein stood motionless for a moment, not blinking or anything. "Deidara. Deidara. Deidara. How in the HELL DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT A FUCKING PLUMB IS!? YOUR RETARDED ASS LOOKS AT TV ALL FUCKING DAY BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A PLUMB IS! THEY SHOWED A GODDAMN COMMERCIAL FOR THEM THIS MORNING AND YOU WERE SITTING RIGHT THERE! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!? GODDAMNIT YOU PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" he screeched as he lost a little bit more of his sanity. Deidara had curled up in a ball on the couch and scooted to the far corner. "Oh and Depends is Kisame. His full name is now Depends the pissy ass shark dude," Pein added matter-of-factly. "Right. Of course, hmm," Deidara said, forgetting his fear.

"I don't think I've gotten any complaints from Konan. Weird, but good I guess. I suppose I cou— umph!" Pein was cut off when someone shoved past him into the living room. He was about to yell at whoever it was but ended up speechless. Hidan had just strutted his foxy naked ass up in the living room and paused just in front of Pein as the other two men stared at him. He walked over to Deidara and out of habit, Pein looked down at his butt and then bit his lip to keep in laughter since Hidan seemed quite serious. When Hidan reached Deidara, he sat on the blue-eyed man's lap for all of 3 seconds before hopping up and strutting back out of the room with a straight face on. Pein loses it and breaks out into laughter. Hidan had walked in with shit smeared all over his toned ass cheeks. Deidara slowly looked down at his lap and then let out one of his blood chilling screams but this time it was out of anger rather than fear. "HIDAN YOU SON OF A BITCH!" he shouted. Somewhere in the background, Hidan yelled back "That's what you get for fucking with my food, you little asshole!" Deidara simple growled as he looked down at his soiled robe, knowing that he had pretty much asked for it. He became even more upset when he remembered that today was laundry day and everything dirty had already been put in the wash and Konan only does load a week. So he would have to either convince Kakuzu to make him another robe or he would have to try and scrub Hidan's poo out of it himself which would probably not go so well.

He then glared at his Leader who was still in hysterics and had fallen over onto the loveseat and was trying to gain his composure. "Are you about done, sir, hmm?" Deidara asked sarcastically. Pein collected himself and stood in his previous position and stared at the blonde man with amusement shining in those strange eyes of his. After a moment, he felt it was best he should just go on with his rant instead of mocking the blue-eyed man. Deidara was forced to sit there with the smell of Hidan's rancid fecal matter wafting up into his nose. He was trying desperately not to gag. What made it worse was that he knew that he deserved it.

Pein simply cleared his throat and went on as if nothing had happened. "Now where was I, oh yes. I think everyone appreciates the little show you proved for us when you play those videos of Zetsu. Do you know how many orgies that has led to? Zetsu has the type of voices that can get you off just by saying things softly in your ear or even just by moaning. It's amazing really and I am glad you do it. It's good for someone to spy on him every once in a while since he's usually the one playing voyeur," Pein mused. "Hey! Is it true that you fart on Konan's bottom lip, hmm?" Deidara asked, his face breaking into a wide smile. "Oh my GOD! Have you been talking to Zetsu?! That bastard is gonna catch hell when I get my hands on him!" Pein growled. "Haha I'll take that as a yes, hmm. So does that turn her on or what? It seems pretty gross," Deidara said, his words wavering with hidden laughter. Pein was seething at this point. "It was an accident. We were 69ing and it slipped out while I was getting into position," Pein clarified. "But Zetsu said it happened more than once," Deidara said. "FORGET WHAT ZETSU SAID!" Pein shouted suddenly, startling Deidara into silence.

"Now we're supposed to be talking about you! I definitely have a bone to pick with you about TOBI! I was told by a source, who shall remain nameless, that YOU told Tobi not to wipe his ass or pick up his underwear when he takes them off in the bathroom! Do you know how much damage has been done by that?! THERE ARE HOLES IN THE BATHROOM FLOOR WHERE THOSE PAIRS OF UNDERWEAR HAVE BURNED THROUGH THE FLOOR! IT IS FUCKING WITH THE PIPES UNDERGROUND AND YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT TYPES OF PROBLEMS THAT CAUSES! WE CANNOT UNDER ANT CIRCUMSTANCES CALL A PLUMBER OUT HERE! I would lose it if someone called one of those poor little plumbs out here," Pein paused while he had a moment.

"Other than the floor, the fact that he walks around smelling like an open fucking sewer after he poops is a shame. It's all your fault. Oh my God. You KNOW he has super shit. It's not fucking normal. The scent burned the sensory nodes in Zetsu's nose one time and he couldn't smell anything for a month. That's great for when he's in the bathroom or around Tobi but he needs his sense of smell for other things. He now has to wear a surgeon's mask when he goes to bathroom. Oh yeah! You remember that one time we had the slip n' slide in the hall over there and then Kisame flooded the bathroom and ended up letting all those shitty underwears float into the hall and they got plastered to the walls. THERE ARE SHIT POLKA DOTS ON THE WALLS OVER THERE, DEIDARA! AND A BIG ASS STRIP OF UGLY GREEN CARPET ON THE FLOOR WHERE THAT DUMBASS BURNED A HOLE IN THE ORIGINAL CARPET WITH HIS SHITTY ASS! THAT IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! Ok no I don't. I don't hate you. I just dislike you right now. I'm glad you didn't tell him not to wash because that would've been horrible. At least he washes the shit off of himself at night but if he never washed at all, oh gosh, he would have to get kicked out of Akatsuki. I couldn't deal with that. I have the most complaints about him. They're not from him, of course. You know Kakuzu has a weak stomach and you bring Tobi around him anyway and he has to keep running away in order to go puke somewhere. Everyone else is sick of smelling shit. I don't know if you like it or something but we don't so you to make him start cleaning up after himself or I'll be forced to make you his roommate as punishment so you can be around the smell all the time," Pein said as he swatted the air in front of his face as if he could smell the very scent he'd been thinking of.

"Now to conclude our discussion. No complaints have been filed on this situation because it would be pointless to complain to myself. I would really appreciate it if you STOP SCARING ME ALL THE FUCKING TIME! WHEN I AM TRYING TO BE AWESOME YOU NEED TO KEEP YOUR STUPID ASS SCREAMING TO YOURSELF! DO YOU KNOW HOW DUMB I PROBABLY LOOK FLINCHING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH! I AM THE LEADER! I DO NOT GET SCARED! YOU ARE RUINING THAT IMAGE! AND THE WHOLE LITTLE CLAY ANIMAL THING!? I AM SO TIRED OF THE SAME THING EVERY FUCKING WEEK! I have to be scared in those situations because it may not be a false alarm one time and then I'll have been prepared. But the point is, I HAVE LOST 27 PAIRS OF UNDERWEAR!" Pein yelled.

"Why do you keep losing underwear, hmm? Seems like a pretty uncommon thing to lose," Deidara said nonchalantly. "YOU RETARD! WHEN YOU RUN THROUGH THE HALLS SCREAMING ABOUT LOSING A FUCKING BOMB, I … I….. I shit my pants," the orange haired man admitted in a low voice. "Whoa, no way. That's terrible, hmm," Deidara said sincerely. "STOP FUCKING SCARING ME AND IT WON'T HAPPEN! I HAD TO BUY A NEW CHAIR FOR MY OFFICE BECAUSE THE OTHER HAD A HUGE BROWN SPOT ON IT! DO YOU KNOW HOW DISGUSTING IT FEELS TO SHIT YOURSELF! IT FUCKING SUCKS! I HAVE TO YELL FOR KONAN TO COME AND HELP ME! THAT IS SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING TO HAVE TO CALL A WOMAN IN TO BRING ME HOT WATER, A WASH CLOTH, AND NEW UNDERWEAR!" Pein shouted. "Not as embarrassing as farting one Konan's bottom lip," Deidara chuckled quietly. "I heard that, asshole! I do believe shitting my pants is much more embarrassing than that so shut the fuck up. The expenses for my underwear will come out of your pay check if it continues. Furthermore, you need to stop fucking with people or else I'll be force to take preventive measures," Pein said seriously.

"Preventive measures? What do you mean, hmm?" Deidara asked in a concerned tone of voice. "Hehehe, you'll be tied to a bed and be tickled very lightly with feathers in your most sensitive places for hours and hours. Each of us will take turns and you won't get a break for 7 hours straight. Deidara's eyes widened in horror. "No. No no no no no no! You can't!" pleaded Deidara.

Pein simply laughed at his pitiful state. It was no secret that Deidara was extremely ticklish almost everywhere. Being tickled also made him extremely aroused but he could never seem to be brought to release by being tickled. He would just be stuck painfully hard until he was stimulated some other way. So if he is tickled for hours on end, he will not only be sore from laughing and struggling so much but he'll have a raging erection. It's the worst kind of torture for the blonde man. "Please no, hmm. I'll never mess with any of you again just please don't do that," he begged. "I see it got results already. Very well then. If you promise to stop with all the shenanigans then you won't have to be punished. Do we have a deal?" Pein inquired in his most commanding tone. "Yes, sir. I promise," Deidara said. His face was one of sincerity but he had his fingers crossed when he made the promise. His hands were concealed by the large sleeves of his robes so Pein was none the wiser. Deidara loved that type of 'torture'. He had been through it three times and it only seemed to get better. The best part about it was after he had been released, he would go seduce one of the other members into 'helping him out'.

Pein nodded to him and was about to leave the room when he heard Kisame shout from the infirmary that Hidan was a nasty fucker. "Looks like he got pissy ass too," Pein said with amusement. Deidara became angry all over again. "Yeah yeah whatever. If you're done now, go away, hmm. I've missed like 30 minutes of my movie," he spat. Pein simply grinned at the angered blonde and then left the living room. He headed back to office and took his place back behind his desk with a content sigh. He had done something pointless yet worthwhile and he felt better than he had in years. He felt absolutely amazing. It was moments like the ones he had had today that made him truly appreciate his followers. They each had qualities that made him happy and they also had ones that drove him up the wall but he was still glad to have them all on board. He would never say it out loud but Pein loved each member of the Akatsuki and he knew they all loved him. It was strange how yelling things at them all at random had made him seriously think about his feelings towards them. He leaned back in his chair, folded his hands atop his lap and listened to the rain that had yet to cease since this morning. "I'll have to do that more often," he said softly to himself before grabbing his pen and returning to the stacks of paperwork. Life in the Akatsuki wasn't too bad at all, that's what Pein thinks.

_A/N: Woooo! I am so glad to be done with this story even though it was kinda fun to write. I hope you all enjoyed the super long final chapter. I seem to have gotten a bit serious at the end but its ok I guess. I just want to say thank you, once again, to those of you who supported my story. Thanks to those of you reviewed and thanks to those of you who didn't. You're all awesome. I will be writing another story soon. It'll be another humor fic. It's going to be called "Sand in the Wrong Places" and it will about Gaara getting bored with Kazekage duties, experimenting with his sand, and asking his siblings odd questions. Hopefully you guys will check it out once it's up. Thanks for reading! :D_


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